Today is weird.

A list.

• I had celebrated the return of cooler weather by neglecting to shave my legs for approximately three weeks. Decided to wear a skirt today. Used Andy's beard and mustache trimmer to attack these babies, only to discover halfway through leg one that he had apparently shaved this morning and the thing had almost no charge. Used it anyway, just in slow-motion.
• Had to attend a harassment seminar at work (company-wide thing). Turns out harassment is shitty behavior motivated by a bias against a particular legally protected status: so your boss can be a total dick, but as long as he's a dick to everyone, it's not harassment, typically. 
• A coworker who had been out on medical leave for three months came back to work today. She sits a few desks away from me, so I got to hear EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION she had with EVERYONE IN THE BUILDING who wanted to welcome her back.
• I had to drive half an hour to get a shot. Little-known fact: I hate getting shots. (I hate having blood taken even more.) I had to get a TB test as part of my physical to become a foster parent, but I forgot the paperwork they needed to fill out which reminded me about the TB test, so I neglected to get one on Thursday with the rest of my physical. SO. You have to have the test "read," so I drove half an hour each way on Thursday, then today, then I'll do it again on Friday. Cool.
• I have Pints and Purls tonight at 7, and I'm trying to decide if it's worth it to try to eat something here before I leave the house in an hour or if I should just order food there.
• I don't know which knitting to bring yet. If Andy's coming with me, I'll work on the sweater my mom requested for Christmas, but if Andy stays home, I'll work on the fancy scarf I'm making him.
• I am still fighting the beginnings of a cold, so I want to go to bed early. Going to a pub to knit and hang out with my friends means it's unlikely this will happen.

Reassure me that I'm not the only sissy chicken baby who hates shots! You can see the goo going into your SKIN! 

Things I hate: Tuesday edition

More things I hate:

• My company relocated a few weeks ago. The old place had three smallish bathrooms, and the new place has one big one (per gender, I mean), which means your likelihood of running into someone in the bathroom is much higher. At least twice a week, someone in the bathroom feels a need to exclaim about how much busier the new bathrooms are. Can't a girl just change her tampon and/or worry about the color of her urine in peace?
• There's a dude parked in his car across the street from my house. The way the street is set up, it's possible he's waiting for someone in another house, but he's DIRECTLY in front of my house, and only sort of near two other houses. He has not moved or done anything unusual since I got home, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him to leave. Now.
• I'm hungry and want a snack, but we're going to our friends' house for dinner and I'm not sure what time we're eating. We're supposed to arrive at 6, so dinner could be anywhere from, like, 6:15 to 7:30. I don't want to show up not-hungry, as these friends always cook enough for an army, but don't want to sit there ready to eat my own arm because I didn't have a snack.
• It's a big ol' cookout thing we're going to, so I get to deal with Andy's dad in the intense humidity and heat, which is an extra-special treat.
• Work Friend quit smoking a while ago, and gave us permission to give her shit about it if she started back up. She has since started back up and quit again several times, and Work Acquaintance is an asshole about it to her every single time.  If Work Friend were to say anything (like, you know, it's an actual addiction and it sucks, thanks for being a jerk instead of supportive!), Work Acquaintance would protest that it was all lighthearted and besides Work Friend told her to! So on top of nicotine withdrawal and trying her best not to soothe herself with eating a ton, she also has a "friend" she's known for a long time being a dick to her on top of it. None of this is actually my business, but it pisses me off.
• That guy from his car has gotten out of the car and appears to be canvassing for something, as he's going to doors holding a clipboard. No suit, so he's probably not a Jehovah's Witness (who are fun to chat with and occasionally give your mom's cell phone number).
• Both dogs got groomed this weekend, and when I went to let them back in this morning, Rooster (who was white when I let him out) was laying in a patch of bare sandy dirt. He is now closer to beige than white. And on the couch.

What about you, ducks? You grumpy about anything?

Fostering: to-do list

We got a letter officially confirming our enrollment in the next session of foster-care classes, starting at the end of the month, which means we have just over two weeks to compile copies of all of the following stuff:

• Social security card
• Driver's license
• Marriage license (or divorce verification)
• Proof of income
• Car insurance card
• Dog rabies vaccinations
• Fireplace inspection [Note: we have a fake fireplace that burns gel fuel. No joke, it's like having a Sterno fireplace. I think the lady we met with didn't really understand what it was, because she wants us to get something called a "certificate of non-use" for it.]
• Pistol permit (if applicable) (it isn't, and we told the lady that, but she made sure to tell us, like, three times that we could own a gun, but we needed to keep it locked and all.)

And we have until the end of the classes (the last week in September) to accomplish the following:

•  Move Andy's sculpture stuff away from furnace
• Cap pipe fragment in basement [It irritates me that this is on our official list, as the lady told us the only reason she thinks we should cap it is so kids don't shove stuff down it. Not exactly a safety concern, but whatever, we'll cap it.]
• Move carbon monoxide detector upstairs
• Paint sunroom
• Buy a carseat
• Get a hook-and-eye latch for the door from the kitchen into the garage, as a toddler who could reach the handle could open the door pretty easily
• Get stupid certificate of non-use for fireplace
• Return kerosene heater to my parents' house

 Naturally, I've had the paperwork containing both of these lists sitting on the kitchen table for a week, reminding myself to get at least the first one taken care of. And just as naturally, right now I'm sitting on the couch looking at the list, thinking about reading some blogs for a while until Andy gets home and (hopefully) makes me dinner, and then continuing to hang out on the couch and watch a movie.

Wait. I just moved the carbon monoxide detector upstairs. Now I've officially gotten started on the list, and can therefore relax in the pleasure of a job well done.

Just the facts.

Here is some shit about me:

• I don't particularly like apples. I'll eat one now and then, but I never really enjoy 'em. I do enjoy apple pies and apple crisp, because those are full of butter and sugar, which have saved worse fruits than apples.
• I am an awesome baker, but I think those "...and it's good for you, too, because we subbed in millet for flour and carob for chocolate and applesauce and agave for the butter and sugar!" recipes can suck balls. Full-fat (salted) butter and brown sugar win every time.
• I don't like cream cheese in my baked goods. No cream-cheese frosting, even. The exception, of course, is plain cheesecake. Not with fruit or anything.
• Despite owning two dogs, I am not a dog person. I like mine okay, usually, and a few other dogs have won me over, but I pretty much have no interest in your dog, or anyone else's. 
• I absolutely love the show Cops. I wish they had it on Netflix. I'd watch it all the time.
• I am becoming significantly more organized as I get older. My desk at work is organized logically and files I need are in file folders and labelled in order in my drawer. This is a total departure from my previous systems, which included "just put that shit anywhere" and "four of us share our lockers, so there's always a math book to grab, even if it's not for the right class".
• Being an editor for my job makes it really hard to enjoy a book that hasn't been proofread well. This is irritating, because I really can't enjoy a story, no matter how interesting, if I'm spending the whole time with my mental-red-pen poised.
• I am not overly "girly," I guess. I wear skirts and dresses a lot, but that's mostly because some days I cannot stand the thought of wearing pants. I wear at least a little makeup most days, but I paint my nails maybe five times a year, and I have had one pedicure in my entire life. On the other hand, I have no interest in sports or wearing athletic sneakers, ever, or baseball caps, so maybe I am a little girly after all. Or maybe I'm not really comfortable with labeling myself! Resist!
• I have a magical ability to ignore messes if they stay there long enough, for weeks at a time, until suddenly they drive me insane. For example, I folded a load of laundry three days ago, and it has stayed on the couch since then. It's fine for at least two more days, at which point a switch will flip in my brain and I will be so irritated I have to put it away immediately, even if it makes us late for something.
• I do not like 90% of romantic comedies. I enjoy 40% of shitty action movies.

Phew. Glad I got that off my chest.

Foster care questions I have been asked

Out of respect for your right to give zero fucks about this whole foster care thing, I'll do my best to remember to put the word "foster" in the title of posts about it. Feel free to skip those. But come back and read the other ones, or go through my archives or something. I love you. I NEED YOU.

What?

Anyway. Here are the questions I get asked when I reveal (usually in a dramatic way, like through a puppet show) that Andy and I have started this progress, with the answers:

Q1. WHY?!
A1. Because we can. Nyah, nyah. Better answer: We are at that stage where kids aren't out of the question, and this is a way to try out parenting without developing cankles and stretch marks and crying about ice cream, or whatever pregnant ladies do. Even better answer: The work I did at the shelter alerted me to the fact that there are some fucking awful foster homes (that's four links, but I suck at internetting and am lazy) out there. We can provide a safe, loving home for a kid who needs it, so they don't have to be in a horrible foster home.  That's all.

Q1b. Why not have one of you own? (I'M NOT KIDDING, SOMEONE ASKED ME THIS.)
 A1b. Not that it's any of your fucking business, family friend who asked, but we haven't ruled that out as a possibility. We both like the idea of helping kids who need it more than we like the idea of a little Rachael-Andy hybrid, so we're doing this to start out. Idon't know what will happen later. Because I haven't perfected my psychic abilities yet.

Q2. Won't you have to give the kid back?
A2. It depends on a whole lot of different factors, but probably. We can specify (eventually, much later in the process) that we only want kids who are more likely to be adoptable, but we haven't decided if we want to do that or not.

Q3. Won't it suck to give back a kid you've had for a long time?
A3. Yes, asshole. Of course it will.

Q4. How will you deal with giving a kid back?
A4. The average placement in our county is a year. Having to give a kid back, possibly to a less-than-ideal-but-no-longer-technically-dangerous situation, after raising him or her for a year? I would predict (COME ON, PSYCHIC ABILITIES) that I will deal with that with a combination of crying and alcohol. Probably gin, because that goes so well with salty tears.

Q5. When will they give you a kid?
A5. Whoa, there, cowboy. Slow it down. It's a lengthy certification process:

• Initial informational meeting [CHECK]
• Application [CHECK]
• First home visit with assigned caseworker [SHE LEFT ME A VOICEMAIL YESTERDAY AND THEN I LEFT HER ONE AND NOW I AM WAITING FOR HER TO CALL ME BACK SO NOT QUITE A CHECK YET]
• Weird combination of paperwork and other stuff like fingerprinting, background checks, physicals, and probably a metric ton of forms to fill out (which we'll learn more about at our home visit)
• Ten weeks of three-hour-long classes
• Home study (mostly to ensure that you lock up things like guns, chainsaws, and medications. Looks like I need to rethink my nursery theme)

This means we need to get everything else lined up if we want to start our ten weeks of classes with the next session, which starts in July. If that all happens (fingers crossed) we'll be done with the classes and eligible for certification in September.

Q6. How do you know what to buy, if you don't know what age/sex(/location) the kid you get will be?
A6. Short answer: we don't. We already have a bed and a dresser, and we'll get a crib before the end of the certification process; we have smoke alarms and a first aid kit and fire extinguisher. We have friends with kids and know about Craigslist, so we're pretty confident we'll be able to get our hands on stuff we need after we end up with a kid.

Q7. How will you feel about getting a kid who doesn't "look like you"?
A7. I have a tattoo and am a fully developed woman, so no baby I ever have, biological or not, will look exactly like me. But we both know the actual question here, you pussy, is "What if you get a non-white??" To which I say: seriously. A kid in need is a kid in need. If we end up adopting a kid who isn't Caucasian, we're willing to do the extra work to help that kid know his or her background as he or she grows up without making it into some sort of obsession or fetishistic game. I'm willing to learn how to style black hair, if needed (this is a big deal, as I was unwilling to deal with spending ten minutes a day on my own mohawk and left it down as often as I put it up). Other than that, really, mostly, kids are kids. Apparently you can specify if you'd rather have a kid who matches your race, but neither of us feel that we're ill-equipped to help a child based on our color. FEEL FREE TO TELL ME ALL THE REASONS THIS IS NAIVE, THOUGH.

What questions do you have? Promise I'll answer them! Probably without cussing at you!

Two lists.

Movies Andy and I have watched in the last week-ish.
1. Spider-Man.
2. Little Shop of Horrors. I have had "Suddenly Seymour" stuck in my head since Tuesday night. Andy was amazed that Bill Murray and Steve Martin were in it.
3. Terminator. I had never seen the original! It was laughably awful, but we really enjoyed imagining people coming out of the theater the year we were born, exclaiming about how awesome the graphics were.
4. Spider-Man 2. I'm betting Andy will insist on watching the third sometime soon, too.
5. Blazing Saddles. We're planning to watch this tonight, to make up for the gaping lack of having-seen-it in our lives.

More possible names for my band.
Shitty Antics
Meat Sprinkles
Chief Matthew McDonut
The Main Fat Guy
Do Your Thing, Rhino
Generally Accepted
Shaft of Death
I've Had It With This Yak Carcass
Contact Meat
Iceborn
The Fish House
Nutmeg Vehicle
It Happened to Dickie Sanders (so indie)
Lost Souls and Butt Holes (possibly my favorite!)
Winged Pheasant
Drowning Drowning Pussies
Love Robot vs. Murder Robot
Dripping Slit (this would have to be a metal band.)
Disgruntled Transient Postal Workers
Rotting Miasma

You're welcome to any of those, by the way. Consider it a public service.

Any movie recommendations? Judging from the list, I'd say our tastes are pretty broad. Any band name suggestions?

Awkward things I have done in the last three days

• Dropped my card out the window at the Starbucks drive-through.

• Opened my car door to retrieve the card from the ground without remembering to unbuckle first.

• Dripped full-fat whipped cream on my bright-pink shirt, which means it now joins the ranks of the 40% of my shirts that have a grease-splotch on them.

• Paid for my Chinese-take-out lunch, then stood awkwardly at the counter in front of the register instead of sitting at any of the four available tables until it was ready.

• Over-caffeinated myself, then tried to read Village Board Meeting minutes to look for very specific information.

• Told other people about my levels of urine production.

• Tickled a toddler who was really cool with me pretending to tickle him, but who stopped smiling completely the second I made contact.

• Tried to drink a twenty-ounce soda with a straw. The straw was regular size so it would have slipped down inside the bottle if I let it, which I didn't by clever means of removing it and licking it off and placing it on my coaster on my desk after every sip. It was not the best process.

• Bathed both dogs with anti-fungal shampoo, after discovering what appeared to be ringworm on Pancakes. I bathed them after working in the garden for hours, which means I got big muddy splotches all over the bathroom.

• Rubbed anti-fungal cream into my dog's soft pink belly.

• Used the word "splotch" twice in this post.

• Hogged all the water in the shower, then did a "too bad for you" dance that mostly consisted of pelvic thrusts when Andy pointed out that I was hogging all the water.

• Wondered if I have been talking too much about this whole foster care thing to my work friends (two of whom are married to dudes who have had vasectomies, one of whom is a lesbian and childless, and one of whom is a married dude with two small kids). Then felt defiant, because it is a big deal and I shouldn't have to feel weird about talking too much about a life-changing thing. Then still thought maybe I shouldn't mention it for a while, or at least until something new happens, or whatever.

• Filled out part of my annual employee self-evaluation, which is one of those totally forced, not-really-useful-to-anyone fill-in-the-box forms that everyone despises, and tried really hard to not just regurgitate the answers I put last year, because I have the same job, so how are my answers going to be different?

• Realized that my boss had requested that I return the form "as close to [date] as possible" and wondered if it was some sort of test, like maybe I shouldn't send it early like I was planning to so I don't have it sitting in my inbox staring at me. Like maybe too early is as bad as too late. Then I remembered that my boss didn't hold my annual evaluation (originally scheduled for June) until October last year, so it's unlikely she's being devious with her instructions here.

• Managed to elbow Andy in the head twice while we snuggled on the couch.

• Tripped on Pancakes at least three times.

• Thought I heard my work best friend walking by, so whipped around in my chair and gave her my best ridiculous bland smile with half-closed eyes. Opened them to see someone who is totally not the work best friend staring at me, disconcerted.

Any of you have any awkward to share?

Titles are hard when nothing's connected.

1. I went running again. I realize that there are people who do this, every day, on purpose, without making a big deal out of it. I am not yet one of those people. I seriously was such a wimp about it, too. I was out for about twenty minutes, and I'm sure more than half was walking. But! You have to start somewhere, and other positive things!
1a. I am pretty sure the whole "runner's high" thing happens because if it didn't you would straight-up either murder someone or collapse in a sobbing heap. Running is the fucking worst, and it really really sucks right up until that split second where you go, "Oh wait. I could keep going, I guess. Maybe I won't firebomb this whole block after all."

2. Whenever anyone, including me, says "[such-and-such] is the worst," I immediately think, "Worse than genocide?" The answer is always "No, not worse than genocide" Really puts things in perspective: Running is awful, but I don't fear for my life because of the condition of my birth. Sweet potatoes suck, but having to eat them is better than watching all of my loved ones be ethnically cleansed! Coworkers with compromised digestive systems are still preferable to the systematic murder of a people! Be warned, though: If you point this out to someone who is complaining, it will pretty much kill a conversation dead.

3. Something new for me to feel self-conscious about: I cannot draw a reasonable arrow. I always end up blocking them out to make them look more even so you can tell it's actually an arrow and not just a stray mark or evidence of the palsy or something. Isn't this a bizarre thing for me to worry about?

4. My sister-in-law (Andy's younger sister) is recovering from some crappy health issues, so today I mailed her a sudoku book, a crossword book, and the trashiest, most ridiculous (and cheapest) housewife porn I could find at Wal-Mart. I just google-searched to find out if "housewife porn" is the phrase everyone uses to describe romance novels of a certain caliber, and it turns out that no, people in general do not. Turns out also that you maybe shouldn't google that phrase from work. Anyway, I'm hoping the stuff I sent helps her recovery process which is mostly just boring at this point. Also, the novel I got involved a police chief of some sort, but if I had had my wits about me, I would have tried to find one with a male nurse, so as to relate more to her situation.


5. This book looks really awesome. Via A Cup of Jo.

That's all I got! Whatchu got today?

What I've been googling

Things in my recent searches on Google:

• Revetments
• Adoption forum (we're considering maybe starting to look into finding out about adoption) (you come across a lot of crazy pretty quickly when you search for this, by the way)
• $65000 canadian to usd
• how to buy an island
• what are oat groats
• sushi tomago
• "pete doherty"
• "this property is within wyoming county"
• adverbial phrase
• oregon trail diseases
• "all traps must be examined and checked"
• Chicago-style preferred spellings
• how much is a peck
• Edward Lear's siblings
• vectomega
• "Life is very short and there's no time"

I will leave it to you to guess which of those are work-related and which are not. Also, I don't have $65,000 in either US or Canadian money, but if I did, I could buy an island with it. And oat groats sound kind of good, but also like a lot of work.

Learnings from a Monday

1. I will use any excuse to get out of running. Today, it's raining, so I'm staying inside and watching a documentary about the gang MS13 on Netflix while Andy's at the gym.

2. Pankcakes will pull anything food- or cardboard-related off the kitchen table and destroy it. So far, she has murtalized two packages of cookies (Sorry, Kid! I forgot to buy you replacements!), a box of tissues, two packets of mints, and a box containing contact solution. However, she has left the newspaper left on the living room floor completely unscathed. Andy and I are in the habit of putting all food-related items where they belong, but this cardboard thing has me thinking she might need to be crated while we're gone.

3. My coworkers will take anything as long as it's free. I brought in some surplus Easter candy and figured I'd end up tossing it at the end of the day, but it was all gone within two hours. Even the Ziploc baggie full of jelly beans. And the one full of pretzel and peanut m&ms mixed together. Would you take unlabeled candy without wrappers sitting on a counter? Don't these people have any pride??

4. I finally used my Old Navy gift card and bought some cute summer dresses over the weekend. Turns out cotton sundress plus sweater tights equals a dress that rides up my thighs all day. Oops.

5. I guess it's okay to stay in from the rain if it's cold enough for sweater tights, right?

6. Rooster and Pancakes are starting to finally look to each other as playmates instead of trying to get me and Andy to play all the time. This is why we got Pancakes in the first place, so our diabolical scheme is working! Hooray!

7. MS13 is the most dangerous gang. Netflix and National Geographic agree.

Nonsense words from around my house

A list of words that are meaningless (or have different meanings) outside the walls of my house, but signify something (or something else) within:

Oocher (noun) Sternum. Comes from the time I was stretching grandly and my sternum popped, loudly and painfully, causing me to yell, "Ooch!" I still crack mine, probably more than is usual. Definitely more than is usual, as I've never seen anyone else pop theirs.

Skrelch (verb) This horrible noise I make when Andy tries to do something like tickle me, or put his finger in my armpit, or something (I'm not the only one well versed in making things awkward, okay?). Also often referred to as "the dinosaur noise." It's a little bit similar to the Wilhelm Scream, but throatier.

Candy (noun) Boobs. No idea why. Started sometime in my sophomore or junior year of college, as I remember using it in that building. Used in such sentences as "This shirt makes my candy look awesome."

That white-trash pasta salad (noun) A very specific pasta salad consisting of elbow noodles, frozen peas, crumbled bacon, mayo, and salt and pepper. So good. It is an indicator of summer for me.

Chikeet (noun) Phone charger. Refers to the sound made by my last phone when it was plugged in - a cheerful little chiKEET! My new phone - new, as in I've had it since November - doesn't make this noise, but it's still often called a chikeet around these parts.

What made up or weird words do you use?

On people being weird.

So I was exposed to three different, totally bizarre things today that I want to share with all of you.

1. Sand-pouring ceremonies. Have you seen this shit? I mean, no offense to you if you're totally into this, but I didn't plan to come away from my wedding with a craft-fair piece of clutter.

Apparently, people actually do this.

We had one of those candle-lighting things at our wedding, which was pretty tacky to me, but we had someone important to us get us a candle for it, and it gave us a chance to have Andy's sister sing a really pretty song while we stood around and people stared at us. I guess the sand-pouring thing is only a little bit crazier than the candle thing, at least symbolically, except that I don't really get what the layers of sand are supposed to represent. At least with the candle thing, there's only one flame that represents the two people.

In a somewhat related bit of crazy, I found out my work-friend's friend almost included a broom-jumping ceremony in their pagan wedding thing which also involved sand-pouring. I seriously think that two white folks performing a slave ritual in honor of some goddesses or something would be pretty offensive. But then, I'm kind of an asshole, so whatever.

2. My friend sent me a link to a knitting pattern for a shawl for a chicken. I'm not kidding. The website on which she found it also features updates on what's happening in the lives of the author's Sims characters. With screenshots. It was riveting. I couldn't stop reading about which Sim refused to take out the trash and which one peed herself because she was having too much fun painting. It is 2011. I can't believe the Sims are still a thing.

3. I got a book out of the library on spinning. I know how to park-and-draft, which is basically where everyone starts with a drop spindle, but I need to know more about, like, what to do when my spindle's getting full and how to ply the singles and stuff. (Does any of this make sense to any of you?) Well, the book I got turned out to be part of an awesome series on self-sufficiency. I think the publishers are trying to help people get ready to live in a post-apocalyptic world. Other titles in the series include: Keeping Chickens; Cheesemaking; Beekeeping; and Preserving. I seriously found myself thinking, "I live in the suburbs so I don't have to do any of that." I know there's a big push for local, sustainable agriculture, but I have no desire to start a farm. I like sleeping too much for that shit.

However, I do think that my fiber skills would be quite helpful in a post-apocalyptic society. I'd trade my yarn and hand-knitted goods for some of your chicken eggs, or whatever. I get it.

1. What do you think of sand-pouring ceremonies? Am I just being an asshole, or are they tacky? 2. Do you still play the Sims? Do you blog about it? 3. What skills do you have that would translate well to a post-apocalyptic world? (Answer one, or all three, or whatever! There are no rules in the Land of Awkward!)

Things I am good at and also not so good at.

Things I am good at:

• Napping
• Sleeping in general, really
• Reading a lot and being pretty fucking smart
• Watching Bones before Andy gets home from work
• and then imagining that every creak my fifty-year-old house makes is a murderer
• Imagining bizarre worst-case scenarios in my own life (see: creaking floor = murderer)
• but encouraging the crap out of everyone else
• Making delicious, fluffy, melt-in-your-mouth pancakes
• Putting fussy babies to sleep (my secret: talk to them, about nothing, for a long time in a monotone voice. Basically, I bore them to sleep.)

Things I am not so good at:

• Getting going on time in the morning
• Resisting the urge to make sure there's no murderer hiding behind the furnace in my creepy laundry room
• Dancing without looking like I have some sort of degenerative nerve condition 
• Being as forgiving with myself as I am with others
• Being patient (we got on the waiting list for a friend for Rooster, but we won't find out till Saturday if he's ours or not. It's killing me!)
• Listening to modern music without making disgusted faces a lot. Seriously, what is going on in the music world today? Why did The Juliana Theory have to break up? Is emo dead??)
• Pretending to give a shit that it's not cool to like emo in an unironic way. The Get Up Kids and Brand New 4ever, or something.

What are you good at? What aren't you so good at? Share!

Three quick things.

1. I am hosting my knitting club tonight. Actually, we're spinning tonight, which is even more cool and not at all a weird thing for twenty-somethings to be doing. I've spent the last hour getting the house into passable shape. But they'll be here in a little bit and I still have to figure out how to make something appetizing out of half a loaf of stale Italian bread and the contents of my fridge, and I have two huge laundry baskets full of clean underwear sitting in the living room. I might just stick the laundry in the bedroom, which will mean we will root through the baskets every morning until we're out of clean stuff again.

2. Speaking of clean underwear: I bleached a load of whites last week. Today I'm wearing a pair of undies from that load. Got to work this morning, went to the bathroom, sat down to pee, and went, "Who the fuck has been swimming?"

3. I am so mad that Dove stopped making the face lotion I was using. Apparently they don't make any face shit anymore, and I'm having a hard time finding something that works. I have dry/combination/sensitive skin, and basically all the shit that's out there is for fucking oily pizza-faced motherfuckers, apparently, because I've tried like three lotions (which aren't cheap!) and each time I ended up all desert-y, which my face compensates for by pumping out oil like whoa. Do any of you have dry skin? For the love of god, tell me what you use, because this Oil of Olay Complete All Day Moisturizer is full of shit. And I don't care about anti-aging or firming or highlighting or what-the-hell-ever else, I just want some goddamn lotion that doesn't cost $37 an ounce. How the hell does everyone else know what to use on their skin?

How do you clean your house in a hurry? Do you have dry skin? Please share your product reviews, so I can learn from you and be a better person or something.

TV shows from my childhood

Totally awesome image via

...that I would like to rewatch to see if they're as awesome as I remember. In no particular order.

• Dinosaurs
• The Secret World of Alex Mack (My husband insists that he - and all other pre-teen boys - mostly watched this show in case Alex showed up somewhere without her clothes.)
• Marsupalami (No one else remembers this show!)
• Eek! The Cat (Oooh, Wikipedia says this show was Canadian. I was a cultured nine-year-old. But why did his name have an exclamation point?)
• Land of the Lost (the 90s remake)
• Clarissa Explains It All
• Blossom (I had an amazing denim bucket hat with a pink plastic flower that I wore ALL THE TIME.)
• Eureeka's Castle (Why was it spelled like that?? And I just learned that Bog - of Bog and Quagmire - was spelled Bogge. Ugh. Wait. It was created by R.L. Stine. What??)
• David the Gnome (My dumb three-year-old self didn't even notice that this show was dubbed.)
• Gummi Bears (What? You didn't watch a tv show based on candy you didn't even like?)
• Rescue Rangers
• Darkwing Duck (Any time anyone says, "When you're in trouble," my brain adds "you call D.W." I'm not proud of this.)
• Tiny Toon Adventures
• 3rd Rock From The Sun (Apparently the numeral is part of the title.)

Yes, I did have incredible taste as a child and pre-teen. And yes, it would have made more sense to try to find clips of these shows online to link to (instead of the Wikipedia articles), BUT I seriously don't want to watch them and have my rosy memories of them dashed.

What childhood shows are you afraid to tarnish with a re-watch?

Possible names for my band

When they eventually discover a cure for being almost-tone-deaf, I'll be ready. Here's a list of names for the band I'll start when I can identify a note. Most of these are phrases pulled from everyday conversations in my day-to-day life.

• Mike's Surprise Illegitimate Love Child
• Stick It to the Peanut Butter Man
• Bloodbeard
• Megatron Says Yes
• You Can't Make Me Be the Warthog [or maybe just Be the Warthog]
• Those Genies Are into Some Freaky Shit
• Downsy Russian
• Slow Seepage 
• Shadows and Screams
• The Bacon Situation
• The Matt B. Dynamic
• The Jelly Bitches

Obviously, most of these are best suited for punk bands. If you want to use any of them, contact me. They're all up for grabs. Except maybe The Jelly Bitches. That one just has a nice ring to it. Oh, and the Kid calls dibs on Megatron Says Yes. Sorry.

Do you have a list of possible band names at the ready? Share your ideas! (I keep my list as a memo in my phone, and add to it pretty often. I suggest you do the same.)

Hello, half day! I love you!

Because I worked such long days earlier this week, I got out early today! I'm going to spend my afternoon napping, catching up on 30 Rock, and baking brownies and making guacamole. I'm pretty freaking excited about this plan.

Because it's not fair for me to leave you hanging, here's some other shit going on around the internets:

• Juniper Moon Farm is giving away a miniature donkey. It's part of a fundraiser for Pete Johnson, an organic CSA farmer in Vermont whose barn was destroyed by fire three weeks ago. (Y'all, the barn stored all his farm's produce and equipment and was under-insured. Check out what you can do to help, if you feel like it.)
• Do you read The It List? It's a weekly roundup of interesting stuff from various blogs, put together by Jill over at Good Life for Less.
• The Pioneer Woman has made your life easier by creating a "Superbowl" holiday category. I'll be making my ridiculously good guacamole, and Andy's making his Buffalo chicken dip, and I'm baking the aforementioned brownies. 
• I have been spending hours of my life staring at Pinterest. I love seeing what other people pin. I requested an invite a week ago, and it came today! I can't wait to get out there and start pinning things. One thing, though: I WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP FUCKING PINNING ITEMS WITH MISSPELLINGS. It seriously isn't that hard to run spell-check. This goes double for mis-attributed quotes/sayings, especially well-known ones. I saw one that was the Mary Oliver line "Tell me, what is it you plan to do/ with your one wild and precious life?" attributed to some shmoe. So join Pinterest, and pin pretty things, but do it right, okay?
• Thinking about trying this spicy hot chocolate recipe from Alton Brown to keep in my desk at work. 

What are you up to this lovely afternoon? Are you on Pinterest? Do share!

On Jamaica

Pretty image via

I realized after I posted yesterday that I haven't shared anything else about my trip to Jamaica with you dudes. If you get the chance, you should go there. Here are a few reasons why:

• They give you rum. Lots and lots of rum.
• You can win even more rum. It's given out as a prize.
• I may be misremembering, but I think the winner of the kid's volleyball tournament got rum.
• The entertainment provided by the resort was terrifically bad. 
• The first night we went to the show (the second night there) was the all-Jamaican cast's rendition of scenes from Grease. The guy playing Danny Zuko had a very limited command of a) his lines and b) English.
• They had a Lavar Burton look-alike MCing everything.
• They had a dance contest one night. An eight-year-old girl performed a dance called the dirty wine. Lavar told her, "You need Jesus."
• If it rained, we went inside and watched part of National Treasure, which was always on tv.
• I won some rum. And they gave us two bottles of rum in our room, with a coconut with the top lopped off, for being newlyweds.
• The food was pretty good for being buffet-style. Andy particularly liked that there was a jerk chicken hut on the beach. I particularly liked that there was a bar on the beach.
• We didn't know the names of any of the staff, so we nicknamed them. We were particularly fond of Sideburns, Bossy, and Crazy Thumbs Murphy.
•  There was enough to do at or through the resort that we didn't feel weird about not leaving much. We went parasailing and snorkeling and on a sunset cruise thing, which involved a pirate hideout which is now a bar.

In the interest of full disclosure, I can tell you that the good people of RIU resorts do not know who I am, and that we paid them a lot of money to hang out there and drink their rum. I'll also add that Andy has an aunt who's a travel agent, so we could afford a decent trip.

Have you ever been to Jamaica? Was it awesome? If not, where else have you been that you think I'd like?

Assorted thoughts for Thursday

Instead of a long, maybe-coherent post, here are some things that have been on my mind today:

1. We keep the dog's food in the same cupboard where we keep paper bags, which we fill with recyclables. Every time I open the door to get out a bag, the dog gets psyched. I pretend he's really into nature and the earth and shit, and is all, "Yeah! Recycling!"
2. These arrived on my doorstep today. Looks like I'll be wearing my new jeggings soon!
3. I'm eating leftover guacamole (oh, did I forget to tell you I make the best guacamole in the world? Not bragging - just facts), but we only had the shattered remains of a bag of tortilla chips to eat it with. Soon I will abandon the chips-as-vehicle and use a spoon, dipping it first into the guac and then into the chip crumbs, like you do with mashed potatoes and corn.
4. Each week my local newspaper publishes the names of babies born in area hospitals. To help inspire the Kid and Brian, I've been reading this section and highlighting some great choices for them to consider. This week's favorites include:
• Da'Mark
• Jaycub
• MicKaylah Jewelle
• Haze
• Nik'Kole
• Antwan De'Antoney (I especially like that this is two versions of the same name)
•  For twins: Lamari Bra'janique and Lamar Bry'Shon
• Jo'nalys
• Shawnbrielle Elegence
• A'Mari Janae'
• Kyn'lee

4B. Now, I love the idea of a unique name, but I absolutely hate the idea of misspelling your kid's name. Like Jaycub up there. Poor kid will never have his name spelled right on the first try, and it makes his parents look illiterate. Similarly, it's rare that an apostrophe belongs in a name. There are a very few examples - I knew a kid named Jamez, pronounced "JAH-mezzzzz," and an apostrophe might have helped there (maybe not) - but usually it is just another thing to be messed up by anyone trying to spell the name FOREVER. Oh, and in Janae' up there, I think the parents thought an apostrophe is the same thing as an accent-aigu (é).

...That's all I got, y'all. Not an exciting day, really.

Thoughts on "unique" spellings/weird names? Examples of real-life people you have met with bizarre names or spellings? Please share!

A list for Thursday

I've been knitting like a maniac on a sweater for my husband, because I've decided that if I can finish the sweater by Thanksgiving, I can knit the pair of socks he's requested by Christmas. Never mind that I have a week to do most of both sleeves, all the blocking, and all the seaming, or that I've never knit a sock before, or that he has size 13 feet. If I believe, anything can happen, right??

So here's a list of books that I currently have checked out of the library, which will be languishing in neglect for at least another week:
1. My Booky Wook by Russell Brand. Borrowed entirely on the strength of an interview with brand that was surprisingly funny, and which mentioned that he's in two projects with Helen Mirren. Turns out Brand is funny and intelligent. Whether he is a good writer remains to be seen.
2. Classy by Derek Blasberg. I'm a huge fan of etiquette (my bridesmaids wore tea-length dresses because the wedding was before noon) and etiquette books, and this looked like it might be an amusing rehashing or reimagining of etiquette for modern-day issues. From the little I've read, it's also an excuse for the author to name-drop all the famous people he's ever met, ever, in his famous-person-filled life.
3. Knitting 24/7 by Veronik Avery, who is one of my favorite knitwear designers. I have flipped through this book, picked out about a dozen patterns I'd love to start, and added it to my Christmas list. There's no way I'll just be able to check this out whenever I want to: I was ninth in the holds list when I first tried to get it.
4. Handmade Home by Amanda Blake Soule. I didn't realize this was all sewing patterns, and some of the projects are far too granola-earth-mother-nonsense for me (there are patterns for both cloth diapers and a "women's cloth," which is a reusable, washable pad. Not my style), but the styling and photography are lovely.
5. Greetings from Knit Cafe by Suzan Mischer. Another one added to the Christmas list! I like that it includes little side-note things, like recipes and tips on proper technique, mixed in with the patterns. I must add, though, that I am certain that the world didn't need yet another pattern for a knitted bikini.

What are you reading?