Words that need to go away immediately.

- Totes.

- Awesomesauce. (Literally no one has ever sounded cool saying this. No, you didn't. Really.)

- Amazeballs. (See above. This isn't funny or clever. It's just awful and always has been. Stop using it, and stop allowing it to be said in your presence.)

What would you add to the list?

What not to wear: dude edition

We went to the mall the other day, and basically any time I'm at the mall I'm keeping a running list of shit I see other dudes wearing that make me especially grateful for my husband.

Here is a list of things that I'm really happy Andy doesn't think are acceptable to wear out of our house (or, when noted with an asterisk, EVER):

- Old athletic sneakers that were never meant to be worn as part of a "look" unless that look is "middle of a marathon right this second."
- ...especially if they are so old and disgusting that the laces have started to break down and stretch out until each loop of the bow is the length of the actual foot.*
- Football jerseys.
- A-shirts (known, disgustingly and colloquially, as "wifebeaters" PLEASE STOP CALLING THEM THIS) without something over it to completely obscure the fact that it's there at all.
- Braided leather belts.*
- ...especially two sizes too large, with the extra tail tucked down over again to dangle grotesquely like some rat-tail-codpiece.**
- Sweatpants.
- Gold chain necklaces.
- Leather coats with team names or popular television characters embroidered on them.
- Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirts (is he even still alive? was the teenager wearing this shirt ironically?)
- Button-front shirts that are left open to the nipples (the better to show off the gold chains and lack of chest hair, presumably).*
- Polyester "silk-ish" shirts with dragons or flames or tribal shit on them.*
- Crocs (have some pride and do not ever wear these, ever).*
-  "Chinstrap" facial hair.

*As noted above, items with an asterisk should be avoided by all members of the human race.

**Rat-tail-codpiece would be an awesome band name. Go ahead and use it. For free. You're welcome.

What appalling men's fashion blunders have you noticed lately?

Baby names

Here we go!

- Cai LaNoi
- Londyn Ny'Drea
- Tessura'e
- Rockie Marie
- Jha'Khi Z'ymire Westly (I could maybe understand Zy'mire. Maybe.)
- Summer Mae Kommer (I rarely print last names, but this is crazy)
- Santana Blade'z
- Graesen (Of all the ways to spell that name, this one is the worst)
- Skylee
- Paetyn (see comment for Graesen)
- Tim'mel
- Addilyn (It just makes me think "addled".)
- Twins named Hudson Dean and Leif Magnus. What?
- Adonis (I just like picturing a really geeky, insecure band kid named Adonis.)
- Twins named Stephan and Stephanie
- Brownlie Avrah
- Jae'ana Ajanae (Her entire name is three letters and an apostrophe.)
- Aryan (How do you not know - or care - about this one's connotation?)
- Sephora
- Samon (I really hope they mean Simone and not Salmon)
- Zayne Eryck

It is going to be so, so hard not to share the name of the kid we end up with. We're either going to get a kid with a name like Zayne Eryck up there, or a kid with a name I just plain am not interested in. I've never really considered any of the names on a top-50 list for any child I get to name, so you know I'm going to end up with a Bella and a Jayden. Ugh.

I'm a judgmental jerk, by the way.

Assorted thoughts for Thursday

Instead of a long, maybe-coherent post, here are some things that have been on my mind today:

1. We keep the dog's food in the same cupboard where we keep paper bags, which we fill with recyclables. Every time I open the door to get out a bag, the dog gets psyched. I pretend he's really into nature and the earth and shit, and is all, "Yeah! Recycling!"
2. These arrived on my doorstep today. Looks like I'll be wearing my new jeggings soon!
3. I'm eating leftover guacamole (oh, did I forget to tell you I make the best guacamole in the world? Not bragging - just facts), but we only had the shattered remains of a bag of tortilla chips to eat it with. Soon I will abandon the chips-as-vehicle and use a spoon, dipping it first into the guac and then into the chip crumbs, like you do with mashed potatoes and corn.
4. Each week my local newspaper publishes the names of babies born in area hospitals. To help inspire the Kid and Brian, I've been reading this section and highlighting some great choices for them to consider. This week's favorites include:
• Da'Mark
• Jaycub
• MicKaylah Jewelle
• Haze
• Nik'Kole
• Antwan De'Antoney (I especially like that this is two versions of the same name)
•  For twins: Lamari Bra'janique and Lamar Bry'Shon
• Jo'nalys
• Shawnbrielle Elegence
• A'Mari Janae'
• Kyn'lee

4B. Now, I love the idea of a unique name, but I absolutely hate the idea of misspelling your kid's name. Like Jaycub up there. Poor kid will never have his name spelled right on the first try, and it makes his parents look illiterate. Similarly, it's rare that an apostrophe belongs in a name. There are a very few examples - I knew a kid named Jamez, pronounced "JAH-mezzzzz," and an apostrophe might have helped there (maybe not) - but usually it is just another thing to be messed up by anyone trying to spell the name FOREVER. Oh, and in Janae' up there, I think the parents thought an apostrophe is the same thing as an accent-aigu (é).

...That's all I got, y'all. Not an exciting day, really.

Thoughts on "unique" spellings/weird names? Examples of real-life people you have met with bizarre names or spellings? Please share!

Wal-Mart is a bizarre place.

From the always-awful People of WalMart

 

I work around the corner from what they call a "Super Wal-Mart." I'm not 100% clear on what makes this Wal-Mart so superior to other ones, but it's certainly quite large. I try not to go there very often, but it's less than three minutes from work, so I've been known to stop there for things like shampoo or cough drops or whatever on my way to or from work.

Today my WBF (work best friend, duh) Sarah emailed me that she had to run an errand to Wal-Mart on her afternoon break and did I want to come? I was like, YES: I will approach this like I'm a sociologist and I am going to learn everything I can about these people. Turns out it's hard to form a coherent thought about mankind while in a Wal-Mart.

Have you ever been in a Super Wal-Mart less than three weeks before Christmas? It was wild. We were there at 1 pm on a Tuesday and the place was jammed. And the people. The man who looked like Skeletor but with a patchy beard. The woman in the electric cart who waited until I was even with the basket to start driving directly at me like we were bitter enemies. The well-dressed guy in front of us buying a 30-rack of malt liquor and some Dayquil. The mom with a cart full of toys who told her toddler, loudly, to shut up when he started to cry. The cheerful black man dressed as Santa (who I'm 90% sure was not an employee). The surprisingly high number of school-aged kids in the store. The employee who rattled off, Rain-Man style, all the possible places in the store they might keep boot trays (which, it turns out, they were out of).

Ever want to feel pretty good about where you are in life? Spend some time at the Super Wal-Mart this time of year. Suddenly things don't seem so bad.