My secret superpower

I have a special ability to prevent disaster.

Here's how it works: If I have my cell phone with me, I can be reasonably sure nothing terrible is going to happen.

If I forget my phone, I can be reasonably sure something terrible is going to happen., and no one will be able to get in touch with me.

This is why I left work this morning to drive home and get my phone, which I had forgotten. I'm sure you all understand.

(In fact, by the time I got my phone, the only missed message I had was a text message from my brother that consisted solely of DMX lyrics, for some reason. After I got to work, he texted me some Wu-Tang Clan. We have a special relationship.)

What not to wear: dude edition

We went to the mall the other day, and basically any time I'm at the mall I'm keeping a running list of shit I see other dudes wearing that make me especially grateful for my husband.

Here is a list of things that I'm really happy Andy doesn't think are acceptable to wear out of our house (or, when noted with an asterisk, EVER):

- Old athletic sneakers that were never meant to be worn as part of a "look" unless that look is "middle of a marathon right this second."
- ...especially if they are so old and disgusting that the laces have started to break down and stretch out until each loop of the bow is the length of the actual foot.*
- Football jerseys.
- A-shirts (known, disgustingly and colloquially, as "wifebeaters" PLEASE STOP CALLING THEM THIS) without something over it to completely obscure the fact that it's there at all.
- Braided leather belts.*
- ...especially two sizes too large, with the extra tail tucked down over again to dangle grotesquely like some rat-tail-codpiece.**
- Sweatpants.
- Gold chain necklaces.
- Leather coats with team names or popular television characters embroidered on them.
- Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirts (is he even still alive? was the teenager wearing this shirt ironically?)
- Button-front shirts that are left open to the nipples (the better to show off the gold chains and lack of chest hair, presumably).*
- Polyester "silk-ish" shirts with dragons or flames or tribal shit on them.*
- Crocs (have some pride and do not ever wear these, ever).*
-  "Chinstrap" facial hair.

*As noted above, items with an asterisk should be avoided by all members of the human race.

**Rat-tail-codpiece would be an awesome band name. Go ahead and use it. For free. You're welcome.

What appalling men's fashion blunders have you noticed lately?

In which I get worked up about grammar.

I was told by a coworker today that it is “not our style” to hyphenate an entire adjectival phrase if it’s “too long.” “Too long” seems to be totally arbitrary but agreement between that coworker and another topped out at about two words.

I know this means precisely nothing to most of you, but to those of you who know what the hell I mean, let’s have a moment of silence for proper grammar. This is ridiculous. The argument, I guess, is that “it doesn’t help readability” – um, yes it freaking does; that’s the whole point – and it’s a pain for our typists to have to insert line-breaks, as our computer program sees hyphenated words as single entities. Well, coworker, the thing is, we hyphenate them because they are intended to be seen as single entities, stupid.

I am seriously way more worked up about this than is reasonable. We are a publication company. We apply rules of style and grammar to other people’s words. Unless, I guess, some of us don’t feel like it sometimes.

For anyone still reading who doesn’t know what an adjectival phrase is, it’s a group of words combined to describe a single noun: for example, “my always-ten-minutes-late friend.” Or a “city-registered electrician.” Or “banana-flavored-smoothie-hating self.” I don’t know, I’m really grumpy about this and I don’t know anyone who would possibly get this worked up, so I’m ranting to myself and can’t think of a good example.

Come on, guys, give me some hyphenated adjectival phrases to cheer me up!

Thursday is looking up.

Today has done its goddamndest to bring me down, and I'm not going to let it.

Crappy: didn't get near enough sleep.

Good: Andy made coffee, and I had homemade peach cobbler for breakfast.

Crappy: Basically all of work. Two different customer issues somehow became my problem; a straightforward thing I was working was actually a giant mess in disguise; my boss doesn't understand ellipses and responds to emails with things like, "Ok.... thanks...." as the entire email, causing me to worry that she's secretly unhappy with me or my work.

Good: I'm going to hang out with my mom tonight while Andy and my dad and brother go to see the Doobie Brothers (a birthday present for my dad), and I am bringing pinot grigio and good cheese (some Jarlsberg, a nice chunk of extra-aged Beemster, and a lovely Tallegio) (I'm a cheese fan. Thought you knew.).

Extra awesome: the Kid and Brian and the Best Baby Ever are going to stay with us in a few weeks when they come to town for Amira's baptism! They were considering staying with my brother, but my sister-in-law is starting a new teaching position that week and it will be a little smoother for everyone if they just stay here. I have a lot of baby-smooshing plans, you guys.

How's your Thursday?

Important distinctions

A. Wary vs. weary.

1. Wary: the condition of  being cautious and/or watchful. Pronounced "ware-eeee"; rhymes with scary.
2. Weary: the condition of being tired. Pronounced "weeeer-eeeee"; rhymes with bleary.
• So no, you are not weary of, for example, mailing off your original birth certificate, as it's unlikely you have to do that often. You are wary of doing so, and with good reason.

B. Loath vs. loathe.

1. Loath: unwilling or reluctant. An adjective. Pronounced like "Los" if you had a lisp - with a "th" as in thick; rhymes with growth.
2. Loathe: to hate or abhor. A verb. Pronounced with a "th" as in thy; rhymes with clothe.

• So no, you are not loathe to admit something. You're loath to admit it, and no one asked anyway. Loathe is a verb, and therefore people should stop fucking trying to use it as an adjective.

C. Anyhow vs. anywho.

1. Anyhow: haphazard; as an interjection, "in any event."
2. Anywho: not a word and therefore never to be used. 
• There is no situation that calls for the use of "anywho". Ever. Don't use it. You're not Stick Stickly, and it's not 1997.

My coworkers are professionals who work with legal shit all day, and can't be bothered to nail down these fine points. Glad to clear it up for them.

What grammar mishaps really chap your hide?