In which I get worked up about grammar.

I was told by a coworker today that it is “not our style” to hyphenate an entire adjectival phrase if it’s “too long.” “Too long” seems to be totally arbitrary but agreement between that coworker and another topped out at about two words.

I know this means precisely nothing to most of you, but to those of you who know what the hell I mean, let’s have a moment of silence for proper grammar. This is ridiculous. The argument, I guess, is that “it doesn’t help readability” – um, yes it freaking does; that’s the whole point – and it’s a pain for our typists to have to insert line-breaks, as our computer program sees hyphenated words as single entities. Well, coworker, the thing is, we hyphenate them because they are intended to be seen as single entities, stupid.

I am seriously way more worked up about this than is reasonable. We are a publication company. We apply rules of style and grammar to other people’s words. Unless, I guess, some of us don’t feel like it sometimes.

For anyone still reading who doesn’t know what an adjectival phrase is, it’s a group of words combined to describe a single noun: for example, “my always-ten-minutes-late friend.” Or a “city-registered electrician.” Or “banana-flavored-smoothie-hating self.” I don’t know, I’m really grumpy about this and I don’t know anyone who would possibly get this worked up, so I’m ranting to myself and can’t think of a good example.

Come on, guys, give me some hyphenated adjectival phrases to cheer me up!

Thursday is looking up.

Today has done its goddamndest to bring me down, and I'm not going to let it.

Crappy: didn't get near enough sleep.

Good: Andy made coffee, and I had homemade peach cobbler for breakfast.

Crappy: Basically all of work. Two different customer issues somehow became my problem; a straightforward thing I was working was actually a giant mess in disguise; my boss doesn't understand ellipses and responds to emails with things like, "Ok.... thanks...." as the entire email, causing me to worry that she's secretly unhappy with me or my work.

Good: I'm going to hang out with my mom tonight while Andy and my dad and brother go to see the Doobie Brothers (a birthday present for my dad), and I am bringing pinot grigio and good cheese (some Jarlsberg, a nice chunk of extra-aged Beemster, and a lovely Tallegio) (I'm a cheese fan. Thought you knew.).

Extra awesome: the Kid and Brian and the Best Baby Ever are going to stay with us in a few weeks when they come to town for Amira's baptism! They were considering staying with my brother, but my sister-in-law is starting a new teaching position that week and it will be a little smoother for everyone if they just stay here. I have a lot of baby-smooshing plans, you guys.

How's your Thursday?

Important distinctions

A. Wary vs. weary.

1. Wary: the condition of  being cautious and/or watchful. Pronounced "ware-eeee"; rhymes with scary.
2. Weary: the condition of being tired. Pronounced "weeeer-eeeee"; rhymes with bleary.
• So no, you are not weary of, for example, mailing off your original birth certificate, as it's unlikely you have to do that often. You are wary of doing so, and with good reason.

B. Loath vs. loathe.

1. Loath: unwilling or reluctant. An adjective. Pronounced like "Los" if you had a lisp - with a "th" as in thick; rhymes with growth.
2. Loathe: to hate or abhor. A verb. Pronounced with a "th" as in thy; rhymes with clothe.

• So no, you are not loathe to admit something. You're loath to admit it, and no one asked anyway. Loathe is a verb, and therefore people should stop fucking trying to use it as an adjective.

C. Anyhow vs. anywho.

1. Anyhow: haphazard; as an interjection, "in any event."
2. Anywho: not a word and therefore never to be used. 
• There is no situation that calls for the use of "anywho". Ever. Don't use it. You're not Stick Stickly, and it's not 1997.

My coworkers are professionals who work with legal shit all day, and can't be bothered to nail down these fine points. Glad to clear it up for them.

What grammar mishaps really chap your hide?