Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Awkward things I have done in the last three days

  • Dropped my card out the window at the Starbucks drive-through.
  • Opened my car door to retrieve the card from the ground without remembering to unbuckle first.
  • Dripped full-fat whipped cream on my bright-pink shirt, which means it now joins the ranks of the 40% of my shirts that have a grease-splotch on them.
  • Paid for my Chinese-take-out lunch, then stood awkwardly at the counter in front of the register instead of sitting at any of the four available tables until it was ready.
  • Over-caffeinated myself, then tried to read Village Board Meeting minutes to look for very specific information.
  • Told other people about my levels of urine production.
  • Tickled a toddler who was really cool with me pretending to tickle him, but who stopped smiling completely the second I made contact.
  • Tried to drink a twenty-ounce soda with a straw. The straw was regular size so it would have slipped down inside the bottle if I let it, which I didn't by clever means of removing it and licking it off and placing it on my coaster on my desk after every sip. It was not the best process.
  • Bathed both dogs with anti-fungal shampoo, after discovering what appeared to be ringworm on Pancakes. I bathed them after working in the garden for hours, which means I got big muddy splotches all over the bathroom.
  • Rubbed anti-fungal cream into my dog's soft pink belly.
  • Used the word "splotch" twice in this post.
  • Hogged all the water in the shower, then did a "too bad for you" dance that mostly consisted of pelvic thrusts when Andy pointed out that I was hogging all the water.
  • Wondered if I have been talking too much about this whole foster care thing to my work friends (two of whom are married to dudes who have had vasectomies, one of whom is a lesbian and childless, and one of whom is a married dude with two small kids). Then felt defiant, because it is a big deal and I shouldn't have to feel weird about talking too much about a life-changing thing. Then still thought maybe I shouldn't mention it for a while, or at least until something new happens, or whatever.
  • Filled out part of my annual employee self-evaluation, which is one of those totally forced, not-really-useful-to-anyone fill-in-the-box forms that everyone despises, and tried really hard to not just regurgitate the answers I put last year, because I have the same job, so how are my answers going to be different?
  • Realized that my boss had requested that I return the form "as close to [date] as possible" and wondered if it was some sort of test, like maybe I shouldn't send it early like I was planning to so I don't have it sitting in my inbox staring at me. Like maybe too early is as bad as too late. Then I remembered that my boss didn't hold my annual evaluation (originally scheduled for June) until October last year, so it's unlikely she's being devious with her instructions here.
  • Managed to elbow Andy in the head twice while we snuggled on the couch.
  • Tripped on Pancakes at least three times.
  • Thought I heard my work best friend walking by, so whipped around in my chair and gave her my best ridiculous bland smile with half-closed eyes. Opened them to see someone who is totally not the work best friend staring at me, disconcerted.
Any of you have any awkward to share?

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