Wednesday, December 8, 2010

On superpowers

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I had an important conversation with my coworkers today, a conversation I'm sure many of you have participated in: what superpower would you pick? Usually the focus is a choice between flight and invisibility (NPR has asked the question; Facebook has a group dedicated to arguing the point; I've heard it suggested that people who choose invisibility are less trustworthy, because most of the shit you would choose to do while invisible would be frowned upon if you were to do it while visible).

But eff flight and invisibility. I had a vision today while driving back to work from my lunch break. I was going to be late, AGAIN, through no fault of my own, AGAIN, because every year everyone forgets how to drive in the snow. I'm 0-for-3 on being on time to work this week. And it struck me: I want to be able to pause time.

I'm actually kind of pissed that I haven't been working on this in a secret lab for years. It would make my life so much better. Not ready to get up when the alarm goes off? PAUSE. Two more hours of sleep. Running too late to even wolf down a bowl of Lucky Charms over the sink? Pause! Hello, lovely bowl of oatmeal! Other drivers acting like this is the first time it's ever snowed in upstate New York? PAUSE. Zip around them and roll in to work on time.

I've thought about some possible problems that could arise. Yes, I've seen that Adam Sandler movie, and it's the fast-forwarding that gets him in trouble, not the pausing. And I'm not planning to use it so much that I would inexplicably be ten years older than everyone else, but just in case I'm going to start using anti-aging face cream. And the Simpsons episode where Bart and Millhouse mess with everyone? A cautionary tale that I will carry with me. Seriously, I don't think I'd be much of a threat, as my biggest wishes for this superpower are to eat oatmeal and get to work on time.

Someone call SCIENCE and see what you can do to make this happen.

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