Me: Hi, Assface!* I have a friend who’s training for a 5k/obstacle course that involves zombies, and I suggested that you could maybe make her a practice boot-camp style course in her yard. Thoughts?
Brother: I don’t know what that means.
Me: You are into fitness, and therefore I want you to set up an obstacle course that mimics boot camp for a friend who is training for a crazy event that involves running 5k, obstacles, and zombies. I don’t know how much more clear I can be.
Brother: a) What? 2) are you under the assumption that boot camp is a giant jungle gym? D) give me more information on zombie 5k and kinds of obstacles.**
Me: A. You're kind of slow today. Must be The Texas*** getting to you. 2. Yes. That's how it looks in "In the Army Now."**** D. Runforyourlives.com, look at the gallery. I'm trying to talk our sister into doing the Maryland one.
*My siblings and I pretty much called each other Assface for three years straight. My mom, obviously, disapproves, which is why we now mostly just call each other "Face" in her presence. It's shorthand.
**The a/2/d setup is from Home Alone, and therefore my brother gets extra points.
***He's on a business trip. Don't murder him, because then who will build the obstacle course?
****1. I know it should be in italics, but I don't think my phone knows how to do that. 2. Pauly Shore's third best movie?*****
*****Son-in-Law and Encino Man, duh.