Thursday, May 5, 2011

How to make dinner: pro edition

Start on Wednesday night by swearing you're going to go to bed early. Forget to do this, and stay up until 11:30 reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire for the bazillionth time.

Thursday morning, wake up groggy and a little sore from sleeping weird. Shower and get dressed and all that, put up your mohawk, then realize you only have time to brush your teeth or put on makeup. Decide on teeth.

At work, spend time trying to figure out what to make for dinner, what with it being Cinco de Mayo and therefore an awesome excuse to make something themed. Look at approximately 16 fish taco recipes (because your husband likes fish tacos) before deciding you really don't like fish tacos that much and then look at seven beef taco recipes. Decide on this recipe. Text your husband to find out if you have any steak in the freezer (he'll respond, "Probably.") Make a store list on a Post-it. Rewrite it three times, first to make it neater, then to group things together by area of the store.

After work, stop at the store. Think about stopping at Aldi to see if they have cheap avocados, then remember the last time you did that they weren't that much cheaper and didn't have much taste. Go to Wegmans. Get everything on your list except cabbage (because they only have giant heads of it and you need, like, two cups for slaw), and also get some marshmallows and Hershey's bars and a Twix, because you have been dying for chocolate all day. Be outraged at how much avocados cost. Buy steak. Realize that the recipe calls for flank steak, but discover that the cheapest flank steak is $17. Get two strip steaks because they're reduced for quick sale to $11 and you don't really know the difference between cuts of steak anyway. Buy a six-pack of Tecate, which you've never heard of but which is Mexican and on sale and has to be better than Corona, right?

Devour the Twix on the drive home. When you get into the house, let the dogs out into the backyard. Pretend not to hear them barking at the mean dogs next door. Put the beer in the fridge wherever it'll fit. Do not bother to clean out any of the old, questionable food that is taking up so much damn space.

Make the marinade in a Ziploc bag, because you're smart enough not to mix it in a bowl then transfer it to a bag. Duh. Double the amount of garlic, and think derogatory thoughts about anyone who doesn't automatically double the amount of garlic in any recipe she makes. Put the steaks in with the marinade, shake it enthusiastically while doing some weird pelvic-thrust-heavy dance. Stick the bag in the fridge, wherever you can fit it. Think, "Someone ought to clean this fridge out." Remember it was garbage day this morning, so you probably should have cleaned it yesterday.

Start the guacamole. Be relieved that the two overpriced avocados are perfect inside. Make the guacamole. Let the dogs back inside because they're barking again. Try the guacamole. Do a dance of joy about how fucking good it is. Eat three chips covered in the stuff. Get a phone call from your husband that he has to go out for a drink with everyone from work for his boss's birthday. Console yourself with a beer (decent!) and more chips and guacamole. Realize this guac is in the top five guacs you've ever made. Be smug.

Google search "fresh corn salsa" because your husband recently told you he really likes that stuff. Realize that most of them are a combination of tomatoes, red onion, and corn. While your computer is running, blog for a while. Use the second person, so you sound like a tool.

Put the guacamole in the fridge, on top of the marinating meat because you can't find anywhere else to stick it. Drink some more beer. Make the corn salsa by chopping the other half of the onion you used for the guac and a tomato and mixing that with the kernels you cut off of two ears of corn. Sprinkle liberally with salt and add a splash of lime juice. Watch an episode of Bones while knitting.

When your husband gets home, have him grill the steak because you've never grilled anything in your life (being a vegetarian through your formative grilling years will do that to you). Let it set for a minute, slice on an angle, put some chunks of meat in the stupid six-inch tortillas you had to get because that's the only size the corn ones came in. Add a hearty blob of guacamole. Add a good sprinkling of the corn salsa stuff. Squeeze on some fresh lime juice if you have it (you don't.). Devour.

There you have it! Easy-peasy! Did you guys make anything special for Cinco de Mayo?

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