Hello, hello

1. M had a visit with her biological mom this week. It was the first time M had seen her mom in 18 months. I requested to be allowed to attend, so M could have someone she was familiar with, and the worker reported that the mom said she wasn't trying to be a bitch or anything but she didn't want me there. I'm choosing to look at it this way: The mom knows the termination is coming. She will almost certainly wait until the last minute and then surrender her rights, because if she surrenders she can request visits. She's comfortable with the worker (they've known each other for about five years) and it's scary as hell to start visiting a child you haven't seen in over a year, but a lot more scary to do so when it's at the whim of the strangers who have been raising that child. I'm trying to be positive about this, because of course it would be better for M to have a relationship with her mom, but damn does it suck to see her wrecked by visits over and over again. The night of a visit she cycles between being super clingy, and naughty on purpose, and silly and manic. It's rough. And now that she's able to communicate, she tells us she doesn't want to go on visits, and it really sucks that that doesn't matter to anyone but us.

2. Other than visits, nothing is new with her case. The worker reported that the termination paperwork was "half done" but I have no idea what that means in terms of time. Our next court date is scheduled for January, but the worker remains optimistic we'll be in before then to have the first hearing about termination. Oh, and the dad attended every single visit for a whole month (all of October) for the first time ever, and then canceled his first visit in November. And they're changing the visit times AGAIN because of the dad's bullshit, so that's pretty cool for M.

3. We're in the new house and it's starting to feel like home. The stuff we need for daily living is all unpacked, so now we have to decide where we're keeping stuff like outgrown baby clothes or Christmas decorations or whatever. We are making slow progress, because by the time both girls are in bed we're both just ready to collapse, and it's hard to make ourselves do stuff like paint all of the ugly celery-green trim in the upstairs hall when there's a new season of Parks and Recreation on Netflix.

4. Nora is still awesome and funny and huge - she'll be five months old this week, and she's wearing six-to-nine-month clothes. She discovered on Thursday that she can get her foot to her mouth, which is pretty funny to watch. She laughs when she sees me and my heart just about explodes every time.

5. This past week has capital-S Sucked. Being at work and away from the girls was harder than it's been in a month. Work has been annoying and I've been tense and grumpy just about every minute I'm there. I cried when M's mom showed up for the visit and there was no call from the worker that the mom had changed her mind and I could come. And then I got my period for the first time in over a year and it all made sense. I don't really know how to have a period anymore. I got super indignant that this shit happens every goddamn month, too. What is that about?

Pants party.

Things are still progressing around here. I don't have the energy to devote to regular blogging, but that means that any time I pop in, I feel like I'm just doing the same update every time:
1. Nora is still the fucking coolest. She just wants to hang out and I desperately wish our finances made it possible for me to stay home with her and M, but I know that going into debt to do so is a bad idea in the long run.
2. Nothing really to report with M's case. Her dad has been so inconsistent that the new worker (who is still doing as little with the case as she can while our worker's on maternity leave) decided to only extend one of his visits instead of both, so now she has up to three hours of visits a week. They had to change the visits to the morning so now Andy and I can't pick her up, which makes me sad. The termination paperwork still hasn't been filed. I also had to make a few phone calls today because we haven't been paid in two months - we've been having our mail forwarded and it turns out they won't forward checks from the county. Would've been fucking cool for M's temporary worker, her regular worker, or our worker to have mentioned that, since they all knew we were moving. We're not desperate for the money or anything, but I'm certain the county wouldn't have ever tried to make up those two months if I hadn't called.
3. The hardwoods are being done in the house this week, and we're going to start painting on Sunday. There's a lot of painting that we want to do and we're trying to figure out the logistics of painting with two little kids. Any suggestions there would be welcome.

And now, something a little more interesting. Here are words and phrases that I've heard in the rhythmic noises produced by my breast pump:
- Rachael (I hear this a lot, and it's kind of creepy)
- Apple
- Westeros (why yes, I had been watching a lot of Game of Thrones)
- Bob Ross
- Wacko
- Cello
- Let's go

If you have experience with pumping, please reassure me that this isn't just me.

It's a Tuesday.

I hate coming up with titles for blog posts. Basically all I post anymore is updates about the baby's case and my developing fetus, but "Update about the baby's case and my developing fetus, part the fifty-second" just doesn't have a nice ring to it.

A. Baby's case first:
1. Last week the worker told the baby's dad that in January they'd be starting to compile the paperwork to terminate his rights. He was very emotional about this and talked about stepping up his efforts to get custody of the baby. He was supposed to have a visit today, but didn't bother to show up on time, so the visit was canceled. He was very unhappy that they wouldn't un-cancel the visit since he was only five minutes late, but he's been late consistently so they're back on the system where he has to be in the building an hour and fifteen minutes before the visit starts, and if he's not, it's automatically canceled. I don't think anyone pointed out that he's on that system again because of his habitual lateness, so no, they weren't going to give him any leeway on being late. He has the option of another visit tomorrow, so we'll see if that happens.

2. Last week the baby's mom started the process of doing what she needs to do to have a visit - the first visit she'd have had since March. It would have happened to fall on the baby's first birthday, and the worker got permission from her boss and the baby's mom to have me attend, to make it easier for the baby. I was actually really looking forward to getting to interact with the mom with the baby there (and outside a court waiting room) and giving her the chance to ask us anything she wanted about the baby's life. However, as you might have guessed from my use of the conditional perfect tense,* it looks like the visit won't be happening. The baby's mom had been staying with the grandma and as of yesterday, that is no longer the case. The mom told the worker today that she didn't finish the process she'd have needed to in order for the visit to happen, plus the worker said the mom's phone doesn't have any minutes so there's no reliable way to contact her. I'm actually more disappointed by this than I expected. I know it won't be easy for the mom to deal with her baby's birthday and the holiday season and I thought the visit might have been good for her.

B. Our new baby! Depending on which source you go by, I'm officially in my second trimester either today, or sometime over the next week, or next Tuesday. Andy stopped on his way home to get me a "second-trimester flower" - an orchid, my favorite! - and "second-trimester dessert" - peanut M&Ms, which I'm eating right now. I'm getting a bit more energy and have managed to stay awake until almost 10 pm two whole nights in a row. We're telling friends as we see them and planning to call far-away relatives this weekend. I'm announcing it at work next Monday, which is awesome because it's the first day of an annual tradition called Feast Week, wherein everyone brings in awesome delicious things on their designated day. Being the pregnant lady means that I get to cut in line and also I get to break out the maternity pants early and be supremely comfortable while I overeat.


*Yeah, I had to look that up.

A brief review of our post-holiday week.

On Saturday Andy and my mom and I all got food poisoning. That was not cool. I mention my mom getting it because she's our go-to babysitter but she was out of commission too, so the poor baby spent a lot of time hanging out in her playpen. She was recovering from several very busy days, so she was okay with that - she mostly played by herself and chattered at us happily. The worst part of having food poisoning, besides the part where I barfed ten times in twelve hours (not that I was counting), was the part where my sister and I were scheduled for massages Saturday afternoon and had to cancel. Heartbreaking. I'm rescheduling mine, duh.

Before we realized that it was food poisoning and not something contagious, my sister and her family decided to split back for Maryland before it hit them, so that sucks too. And by the time they got home, my goddaughter was totally miserable and when they took her to urgent care she was diagnosed with a double ear infection. Cool stuff all around.

We are now back to normal and things are going fine. As of yesterday I was eleven weeks pregnant. I started to miscarry right before that last time, and I realized last night that I honestly had just been waiting to get to the same date and to have another miscarriage. That's a pretty shitty thing to be carrying around with me for two months. Today, for the first time, I ordered some super-sale maternity clothes, because I can finally let myself think about what it will be like to be visibly pregnant. I'm still worried all the time and can't wait for the ultrasound on Monday, but it feels good to be able to start to plan for this being real. Having passed the date I miscarried last time feels like I've sort of moved out of that sincere belief that it would happen again.

The baby's dad didn't call to confirm his visit yesterday but did today. Then he showed up 25 minutes late and told the worker he had been pulled over on the way to the visit and gotten a ticket. After the visit the worker followed him to his car to get a copy of the ticket for her records, and he mysteriously couldn't produce it. He searched his car while the worker stood in the freezing cold for five minutes, until she gave up and told him to bring it next time. He won't, of course, but all of this goes in her file and the file goes to the judge.

How was your holiday and post-holiday week?

Sometimes foster care is hard.

If you read any other blogs by foster parents, you've probably seen at least a few posts about how visits suck. That, friends, is because visits suck.

The baby's dad is still attending visits, but not with any regularity. The baby cries - screams - for most of the visit, then passes out from exhaustion. The dad didn't come to either visit last week, and today the baby cried so hard she puked all over herself and him. (I can't pretend the "and him" wasn't the tiniest bit satisfying.)

Her dad has been told that it's bad for the baby to see him only sporadically. She has not developed any sort of a relationship with him, because she's still not comfortable with him. The baby sees the worker with us at least once a month, when the worker comes for home visits, so she trusts the worker and tries to cling to her throughout the visits, still sobbing. Hearing all of this kills me. I asked the worker today if there's ever a point when they can ask the judge to change how this is going, on the basis of it being actively damaging for the baby, and the worker said, basically, that she's only ever seen the courts go for no visits in cases of sexual abuse. If the parents want visits, they get them, even if they only bother to show up occasionally. Our next hearing isn't until February, so this will probably continue at least until then, and nothing will happen at that hearing, so it will continue through April, when they can begin the process of filing for termination of parental rights (if things keep going the way they are), but then the judge can give an extension if he's feeling generous and so I can't really foresee a time when my baby girl won't be regularly subjected to hysterical sobbing on her dad's whim.

The evening after a visit the poor kid is all out of sorts. She doesn't want to be put down, but she is super whiny even when we're holding her. She holds on to us like she's scared of being put down. It's heartbreaking. Today is one of the days when being a foster parent is fucking hard.

Subject change! In other non-news, as far as we know things are still going fine with NewBaby. I'm ten weeks pregnant now and still worrying pretty much constantly, which is exhausting. We have an ultrasound scheduled for December 3, which feels like FOREVER far away. I am still totally exhausted - like I'm staying up late to write this and it's only 8:39 right now - and I get waves of nausea, which I find incredibly reassuring since I didn't feel crappy for most of the last pregnancy. I told NewBaby that it is welcome to make me feel as crappy as it wants, even if it means I can't eat a single bite on Thanksgiving, as long as things are going okay in there.

I've got two Tollhouse Cookie Pies in the oven right now, but honest, for the first time in my life I am too tired to stay up for pie. This is crazy. Tollhouse Pie is my very favorite and we're bringing one to Andy's cousin's Third Annual Night-Before-Thanksgiving Pie Party tomorrow, so I made an extra for me.

What's your very favorite Thanksgiving dessert?

Visit and WIC and Olympics

On Wednesday, the worker called me and asked if I was sitting down. Naturally, I assumed that something terrible had happened, which was only partly true: The baby's dad had called her to tell her he wanted a visit. He assured her that he had the empty tubes to prove he'd been treated and that he had treated his house and everything.

Complication: I shouldn't use the treatment cream now, because I'm pregnant. So if the baby gets reinfected, we all get reinfected and my unborn baby is at risk. This is not okay. The worker went through the entire checklist with the dad twice, and he solemnly assured her that he had done everything he needed to do. The worker has had it independently confirmed that his house has been at least minimally cleaned, because it looks like he's getting custody of his other two kids, but the worker is required to take his word for it. Ugh. So she had to let the visit happen. Naturally, since the baby hasn't seen him since March, she had no clue who he was and cried so hard she barfed up half of her bottle, so that's fun to hear. Our solution for dealing with reinfection is that Andy has been 100% in charge of the baby's care since Wednesday. This has sucked a little for all of us, because I can't even snuggle my baby, and because I'm pretty sure Andy thinks it's somehow way more work when he does it than when I do it, and because the baby's fussing for me a lot. Cool. If she makes it till tomorrow without any symptoms of a reinfection, we'll say she's okay, but I don't want to take a chance.

Also, this is the second thing the dad's showed up for this month, which is kind of amazing. The worker said he seemed sort of intent on "getting all [his] kids" and is still talking about moving to a very small suburban town. The worker did remind me, however, that since the dad hasn't been around we have no idea how long he's been "planning" this move, and that he could have been talking about this since February, in which case yeah right it's probably not real. I have a really hard time not jumping to conclusions, of course, so I'm worried that this dude who has never raised a baby and who lives with his mom is suddenly going to be living in the middle of nowhere with no support system and his older kids (both of whom I've been told are a handful) and a baby who doesn't know him, and that he'll be too proud to ask for help.

On a positive note: We changed WIC offices and it was like a different world. The people we dealt with were efficient and helpful and made me an appointment two months out instead of in three weeks like the old place always tried to do. They even offered to cancel my standing appointment with the old place. By the time we were done, I had had them switch me in the computer to make their office my main one and have my records transferred. They also told me that our old office managed to lose their own blueprints during their recent remodel, so that was fun.

So now it's Friday and the Olympics start today and I'm totally excited, unironically. I'm planning to watch as much as I can and to knit the whole time. My goal is actually to make a dent in the sweater I started for my mom for Christmas, and to finish the little lovey blanket I'm knitting for my three-month-old niece. We'll see how that goes with a seven-month-old who has recently discovered that she's self-propelled.

Foster parents: how do you deal with visits? Are they rough for you, or are you used to them? Non-foster-parents: Are you geeking out about the Olympics? Any favorites?

Diagnosis confirmed. Again.

Yup.

Since I was working from home anyway, I moved up my WIC appointment (that I was so happy to have been able to push back a month) because the pediatricians want us to try a hypoallergenic formula to see if it helps with the baby's spitting up and apparent reflux. So I got to sit in the WIC office with an itchy, fussy baby for an hour. That was cool.

I called and left a message yesterday for the baby's pediatrician to see what power they have to override the dermatologist. The pediatrician and worker agree that the baby is showing the exact same symptoms, etc., and that the dermatologist was probably wrong.

They called back this afternoon and asked me to bring the baby in to see how things were progressing, and to confirm that I was now showing symptoms. The worker met me there (again, because she is seriously busting her ass on this case - I already called her supervisor to praise her). The doctors saw whatever it was that they needed to in order to confirm it. They also called in their head doctor to consult, and she's putting it in writing that visits must be stopped until further notice. This is both a huge relief and another reason for me to worry, because the grandma is not going to take this well and will likely feel like we're trying to keep the baby from her.

Ugh. I've been going nonstop since the baby woke up (early and fussy), and I have nine million more things to do to disinfect the house again. But I'm beat and I haven't used the treatment cream yet, so vacuuming the couches wouldn't be useful if I was planning to sit on them again tonight, so I made brownies (stress baking for the win!) and am having a Pimm's Cup and am catching up with my Google Reader.

Well, the baby had a visit

with her grandma on Friday.

And Friday night she was really squirmy. Like she was when she was infected. I made Andy come in from another room to confirm it.

Saturday morning we saw telltale spots.

On Sunday we noted that they were worse. And the poor kid was off all weekend - in a cheerful mood then suddenly inconsolable. We tried to tell ourselves maybe she was teething, but the fussiness is the only sign of that, and it matches how she was when she was infected.

Yesterday I took the day off to take her to the doctor. The dermatologist who finally diagnosed her correctly told me he wanted her to be seen by his facility (even though I only trust him there) if she was symptomatic again, so I called them and got the run-around for three hours, and then when I was sort of a pushy bitch (which I HATE doing) they fit us in in the afternoon. With one of the doctors who misdiagnosed her.

Guess what she said.

It's not the skin condition. Even though it looks the same as it did the last three times. Even though Dr. Idiot agreed that it was the skin condition the first time, when it looked just like this. Even though it cleared up immediately after using the prescription all three times (Dr. Idiot: Oh, the cream's a moisturizer. Me, incredulous: I lotion the child twice a day. Dr. Idiot: Oh, okay. [long pause]). When pressed for some sort of diagnosis, she said maybe it's related to the baby's eczema. Which we have almost completely eradicated. And even though it only shows up immediately after a visit. The worker attended the visit with me, and agrees that the doctor is incompetent, but doesn't know what we can do because they are just about the only dermatologists in our county who take Medicaid.

So we didn't get treated, and naturally the baby is miserable. My plan is to wait until Andy and I are showing symptoms and then insist on being seen by the doctor who diagnosed her, or to just say "fuck it" and take the baby to our doctor and pay out of pocket for her. Because this is ridiculous. (I'm really grateful to be able to work from home for a few days while this is getting sorted out, because I'm not infecting the other kids at the baby's daycare on Dr. Idiot's word.)

Oh, and the worker told me that the grandma's planning to file for custody. It's really unlikely that she'll be successful, since the county isn't even trying to place the kid there at all right now, but still. Did we really need another complication here? Christ.

I'm fucking discouraged right now, you guys. I just want to help this baby, who I love like my own, and the goddamn red tape is making that really fucking hard.

P.S. I was going to go through and hyperlink to all the shit about her appointments and misdiagnoses and shit, but I'm fucking tired from trying to work from home while holding an uncomfortable baby who also wanted to help me type. So, you know, check the archives (try the "gross gross gross" tag) and sorry I'm not bothering.

Home visit

We had this month's home visit with the worker today. In our county, the worker is supposed to see the child in the home every month, which for us means one-on-one face time with the worker, where she answers my ten million questions.

This week, we learned that the worker is postponing the conversation with the mom about the mom voluntarily surrendering her rights, because the mom isn't making very good choices right now, so it would be sort of hard to have that conversation without it feeling coercive (I think this is the right decision, even though it's hard for us).

The worker also told us that the grandma flat-out asked, at her attorney's urging, if the county wanted to place the baby with the grandma, and the worker told her no. This is not a surprise, but it's interesting to hear it like that in black-and-white, or whatever the auditory version of black-and-white is. (This doesn't mean the baby won't end up with the grandma, because that's up to the judge, not the worker.) The worker now wants to get us involved in a "family teaming" program the county runs, to help us build a relationship with the grandma. The ideal outcome would be that the grandma sees that the baby is well cared for and learns that she can trust us to keep our word about keeping her involved in the baby's life, and thus agree that the baby is in the right place. If that works, then the idea will be to add the mom in, and have our relationship with the grandma help the mom see that surrendering her rights would be okay.

We'll see if any of this happens. I know the grandma feels strongly about family staying together, so it's possible she won't be interested. She has not had any problems with us so far, and has been friendly and grateful for what we've done for the baby, but that might be because she's seen it as temporary.

Andy is very good at maintaining a level head and knowing it's still not likely we'll get to raise this precious awesome baby. I'm not very good at that, and I'm having a hard time stamping down the seed of hope that keeps poking up in my chest.

An even briefer baby update

So the baby's mom didn't show for a visit on Tuesday. The worker talked to her yesterday and told the mom she could have her visit today (the mom used to have two scheduled visits a week, but that hasn't happened since February).

The mom didn't show again today.

The worker talked to her this morning and the mom said she was coming.  It makes me really sad for the mom that she's in such a bad place that she can't get herself to a visit with a baby she has seen once in two and a half months. She also told the worker today that she wants to move into a halfway house, but if she can't follow through with a visit, I have my doubts that she'll be able to make it happen.

Because the baby is so young and the mom has missed two visits in a row, the worker will now require her to either be at the visitation center before they pick the baby up from daycare, or to call that morning to confirm she's coming. I don't know which would be better - the phone call is easier for scheduling (so I don't have to wait until the last minute to hear if she showed and call daycare to let them know), but she told the worker she was coming to both of the last two, so even if she says she's coming we can't believe her.

Oh, and the grandma canceled her visit for tomorrow because of a scheduling thing that could have probably been worked out pretty easily. So that's interesting.

A brief baby update

The mom didn't show for her visit today.

The worker talked to her yesterday, reminded her what she needed to bring, and they ended the conversation with, "See you tomorrow." She knew about the visit and what time it was and everything. She just didn't show. And the worker says her phone is off (but she is following someone new on Facebook since this morning, so hmmmm) so she didn't call to cancel or anything. The baby got to sit and hang out with the worker for an hour.

The worker also said that the grandma told her that the mom says she doesn't want the grandma to get custody anymore, because she (the mom) wants to get the baby back herself. She told the grandma that last week, then didn't show for a visit today. Huh. (And yeah, the first sentence of this paragraph is really convoluted. The case is like that.)

The mom could absolutely tell the court that she doesn't want the grandma to get custody, but I actually think that would be worse for my anxiety because she could change her mind at any point and start the whole process with the grandma over again.

So, you know, nothing changes and I manage to worry about everything all the time.

Off-routine

We got back into town yesterday evening from being out of state for three days for my great-aunt's funeral. The baby did incredibly well, all things considered, and slept about 90% of the time we were in the car (eight hours each way) and still slept through the night, so the few minor freak-outs are totally fine by me.

She did well with the bizillion people she met this weekend. (For background, my mom is one of 23 first cousins, and I'm one of 114 descendants from my grandmother and her four siblings.) The baby did well with people wanting to be all up in her five-month-old face and grinned adorably pretty much on cue. She even let a few people hold her for more than two minutes, which is awesome. Every once in a while she'd get overwhelmed and need some extra love, but really, the trip was pretty smooth. The funeral was lovely, as these things go, and the one time I came close to really losing it (during Amazing Grace, natch) the baby grinned up at me and farted quietly, which made me laugh instead of sob and which I'm certain my great-aunt would have appreciated. And events with that side of the family are a lot like family reunions and it was very nice to see some people I haven't seen in a while and love dearly. 

So we got in around 8 last night and did our best to get back into routine right away, but this morning, for the first time ever, she freaked out at daycare and they had to call me to see what they should do or if I should come get her since she had been crying FOR AN HOUR. I told them to call me sooner next time and to try swaddling her, which worked in about four minutes. The poor thing. I'm pretty sure she's just trying to get back on track and needed some extra love in the form of a nice tight blanket. She was fine after she woke up from her nap and is grinning gummily at a dog right now.

The baby has a visit scheduled with her mom tomorrow. The worker is meeting the mom before the visit to go through the letter from the dermatologist and do her best to ascertain whether or not the mom has completed everything she needs to do. The worker is pretty no-nonsense about these things and the mom's not a great liar, so I'm not-so-secretly hoping the worker doesn't let her have the visit. If she does have the visit and the baby gets infected AGAIN, it looks really bad for the mom in court, so hopefully the worker can get that through to her.

What did I miss on the internets while I was gone?

Reflections on two deaths

Cheerful title, huh?

Andy's grandma died about three years ago. Decades of smoking had robbed her of her health and, interestingly, her voice, so that the last few years of her life she spoke in a whisper. (She also had always pronounced my name "Racial" instead of "Rachael," which I thought was funny, and I can do a spot-on impression of her whispering my name, to the general amusement of Andy's sisters.) She went into the hospital with some sort of lump, was operated on and sent to a nursing home to recover, and moved from there to a hospice. We were there a lot in her last few days, and Andy's younger sister was there with us one afternoon. His grandma had been mostly unresponsive, and occasionally would do this terrifying gurgling breath that the hospice workers assured us was normal and much worse for us hearing it than for his grandma. At one point, Andy's sister went over, sat on the side of the bed, took their grandma's hand, and said, loudly, "Grandma? I love you."

And their grandma whispered, "Love you too."

I'm almost certain those were the last words she said.

My great-aunt died on Saturday. She was 92 and was spry enough to have been driving until about a year ago. She was my family's matriarch, the great queenly lady who delighted everyone and held court wherever she was (and there was always a court around her - she had 12 kids). She went into the hospital with "a minor heart attack" three weeks ago and went downhill, then bounced back, then went downhill, then bounced back, then moved into home hospice care. Said great-aunt lives not too far from the Kid, who went to see her last week. Our aunt was slipping in and out of responsiveness, but wasn't reacting to much. But whenever the Kid's daughter, my perfect little niece, yelled or babbled or made noises, our aunt would struggle to sit up and turn towards her.

I don't really have a nice tidy reflection on this. My sister told me about our aunt trying so hard to respond to the little great-great-nice she adored, and it made me think of Andy's grandma talking to his sister. Life and death are interesting things, and love is pretty powerful.

The county said it won't be a problem for us to bring the baby with us to the funeral, even though it's out of state, so I'm grateful for that.

Life continues and I'm glad it's the weekend

Hello, the internets!

This was a busy week and I'm still tired. Being in training at work sort of fries my brain so I have less energy to deal with other stuff, like the new thing where the county says that if the baby's grandma and brother don't have visible symptoms, they aren't contagious, which is total horseshit, since they didn't have visible symptoms at their visit last week and the baby sure as shit got reinfected.

So even though I'm fried, I already have two doctors - my primary care physician and the dermatologist who finally diagnosed her correctly - to refute that claim willing to write letters or make phone calls on our behalf. I don't know if it was a dick move to go above the county's head like that, but hey, I'm not trying to go through this shit a fourth time.

Tonight I think we're going to dinner with Andy's parents, and then I plan to have at least two beers and get some solid sleep. (Fun note: I had two beers in a row last week and got a little buzzed. That hasn't happened since high school. Or maybe ever. Parenting has made me a lame-o.)

Thanks for reading this shit, dudes, and thanks especially to those who comment. It's nice to know y'all are there.

What are you up to this weekend?

Recipe for exhaustion

I have had a pretty draining week.On top of all this, on Friday we went to a bonfire at our friends' house, and yesterday we went to an art show (Andy had a piece in it) and hung out with friends we haven't seen enough of lately so we were out of our house for about ten hours in a row. While these were all awesome things to do and I'm glad we did them, it wasn't exactly the peaceful relaxing do-nothing weekend I was hoping for.

And right now I'm waiting for the baby to wake up from her nap so I can take her to the Urgent Care clinic, because we think she might be reinfected. Again.

I am really bummed about this, not just because it's disgusting and takes several hours of my life to treat, but because this will probably mean she can't visit with the grandma. I know the grandma is really, really trying, so this will be a big blow to her determination. But the fact is, neither Andy nor I are showing any symptoms, and I can assure you that I'm even more careful with treating the baby and her stuff than with our own. The only things the baby does that we don't are daycare, where they are super-careful and no one else has been infected at all, and visits with the grandma and brother.

Also, every visit means the baby is exposed to new germs, so she spends weekends all boogery and stuffy and it sucks. I know the visits are important, but last night she was so congested she kept spitting out her pacifier to breathe, and then fussing until we put it back in. This happened at least a dozen times between 1:30 a.m. and 7:30, when we moved her to our bed and could sort of stick the pacifier back in without actually waking up. This was a much better arrangement and we all snoozed until 10, but it didn't really make up for the hours of broken sleep. (And part of my brain is chiding me that this is our fault, because we were bragging yesterday to friends with a baby the same age that our baby sleeps through the night and has since she was six weeks old. So the universe is paying us back or something.)

Naturally, on top of all this stuff, I'm PMSing and so tired that I kind of want to cry. Coffee ice cream with chocolate sauce is helping a little.

Home visit

So Sunday my niece was born, Monday we had court and I started a new position at work, Tuesday I had a WIC appointment (always THE WORST), and yesterday we had a home visit with the baby's worker and also we brought dinner to my bro and his wife and the new baby twenty minutes away. Oh, and tonight we have dinner with my parents. Because of course we do. I am so, so glad that tomorrow is Friday.

So the home visits are scheduled for half an hour and are basically for the worker to confirm that the child is alive and the home is still standing. The old worker would stop in, say hello, ask if we had any questions, answer them if I did, usually check the baby's sleeping area, and then bounce. Yesterday the worker was here for an hour and a half.

This worker is pretty great. She answers all of my million questions and is way more forthcoming about information that might not be considered crucial for our case - like she'll share pieces of history about the brother's case or tell us about the dad's other kids' mom's situation - in a way that our first worker didn't. She also is really good at answering my questions about the process, so that's helpful in me seeing what possibilities are ahead of us.

She confirmed for me yesterday that there is very, very little chance that the baby will go anywhere between now and the scheduled court case in July. For her to go anywhere, the grandma's lawyer would have to petition the court to place the baby with the grandma, and I think there would have to be a hearing. The worker also reassured me that the county still wouldn't support that, even if her lawyer did petition the court (which is itself incredibly unlikely - it's just that I asked the worker exactly what would have to happen for her to go somewhere before July). The worker also told me that sometime in the next few months she'll talk to the mom about surrendering her rights. That isn't a likely outcome, but the worker says that the mom is doing very little to show any progress and might be persuaded to stop dragging it out. I asked what that would mean about the grandma wanting custody, and the worker said that if the mom voluntarily surrenders her rights, that removes the grandma from the equation. I did confirm that the dad would have to surrender his rights too (he's the adjudicated father, which means he has attested in court that he is her dad) and he might fight it because he's a pretty proud dude (and also because it gives him some power over the mom).

This is by far the longest we will have gone without a court date, which is really cool. We know we'll have the baby for my first niece's first birthday party. I can buy even more summery outfits for her. (Also, and this isn't a minor thing, I am going two months before my next WIC appointment instead of the every-month bullshit I had to do until now.) It is nice to think about our time together as a family doubling by July!

Do you guys have any questions about any of this shit, like the process or how it all works or anything? I'll answer if I can!

Operation Eradication

Welp, the baby got reinfected. And so did Andy and I.

I'm an optimist, so my reactions right now are as follows:

- The timing on this could be way worse. We had family visiting two weeks ago and people in town this weekend for Easter, and thankfully we don't have to worry about her contaminating anyone.

- Now that it's official, the worker can set all sorts of great new rules to make sure this doesn't happen again. The only complicating thing here is that the grandma will get herself and the brother treated, which is great, but will also let the mom come over before she gets treated, so that will probably mean no more visits with the grandma. That's rough, since the county is still working towards placing the baby there and we'd like the baby to at least recognize the lady, but I'm not willing to deal with a fussy itchy miserable baby every time there's a visit because the grandma refuses to abide by a COURT ORDER prohibiting the baby's mom from being at the grandma's house.

- It happened after only one visit. I knew the parents hadn't done the treatment properly, and I knew we'd get reinfected eventually. At least this way it's done quickly and I don't have to freak out every time there's a visit for months before we can actually start moving along with requiring these things.

So I took the day off yesterday for what I called Operation Eradication: the baby and Andy and I were all treated, and we did all the necessary treatment in the house. Our next court date is in two weeks, and I don't think visits will resume before then. (Of course I could be wrong on that, but it seems unlikely that family will do everything they need to by then.)

The worker did tell me today that this is one of her more complicated cases. There are a lot of people involved, all of whom are working different case plans (or not working those case plans, as the case may be), and there are a lot of factors at play that make it really hard to predict how things will go. I'm glad that it wasn't just me thinking that there was a whole lot happening with this case!

Visit update

So the baby did in fact have her visit yesterday. The mom had a document saying she was cleared of the skin stuff, and apparently the dad showed up (40 minutes late into an hour-long visit) with a similar document, so the worker couldn't really prevent it.

The worker and I talked for about twenty minutes this morning about the situation. The county's hands are tied, because the original paperwork I got from the doctor only specified that the parents needed to be treated to resume visits, they can't legally require all of that other fun stuff before visits resume. (The worker, wisely, did not suggest that I should have asked the doctor for different requirements.) According to the parents, they have both been treated and that was all the doctor said they had to do for visits to resume. If the county changes the requirements after the parents have documents indicating they've met said requirements, that looks bad in court - and it's in the county's best interest (and the baby's) to not look bad in court.

The worker was very sympathetic and understanding, and told me repeatedly that she'd be making the same phone calls I was if she were in my shoes. (I used some of Thorn's excellent advice and made sure it was clear that the baby was my main concern, and how much calmer she is now that she's healthy and all.) She also pointed out that, as much as we don't want a reinfection, if that were to happen, the county could then impose more stringent requirements (and require proof) before visits resume again.

So now we're basically waiting for her to get reinfected. Ugh. Not a good plan, but really the only one we've got. We do know that the symptoms will show up much more quickly once you've had the issue already (like in a few days instead of several weeks), so we'll be keeping a very close eye and bringing her to the doctor at the first indication that there's a reinfection.

New poll: Is it a better idea for us to be fanatical about avoiding reinfection, or should we chill out a little and let it happen again so the new requirements can go into effect?

Grandma and doctor and rolling and baby shower

1. On Friday the baby had her first visit with her grandma, who will likely be the person the baby ends up with. We were very glad that they had a visit, as the grandma hasn't seen the baby in two months and we want the baby to be comfortable with her if she has to live there! We wrote the grandma a note telling her we were so happy about the visit and how awesome the baby was, and not to be offended if the baby fussed a lot because she's very used to be being held mostly by me and Andy, and that we'd love to hear how the visit went if she wanted to write back. And she did write back! She started by thanking us for taking such good care of the baby (which is very gratifying to hear, for real), and that the baby "wasn't feeling well" and had spit up most of the bottle so she was probably hungry. I'm assuming that meant that the baby did indeed fuss a lot and was worked up when they fed her and then spit it up. The Friday visit with the grandma (and the baby's brother) should become a regular thing, so we're hopeful that the baby gets used to her after a while.

2. We took the baby to the doctor today because she has a cold. If she were my kid, I wouldn't have called about a cold, because seriously, babies get colds, but we want to err on the side of overly cautious. Her cold also coincided with her discovering her ears, so she started pulling on slash holding her ears when she was falling asleep, so I wanted to make sure it wasn't an ear infection. Because she's not my kid, I want to make sure we've always done our due diligence in making sure she's in great shape. The pediatrician reported that she does just have a cold with a mild fever, but her ears look fine, and prescribed Baby Tylenol. She's been fussier at night, which is not fun for me. Andy sleeps through it, but I'm TIRED today.

3. The baby rolled over this weekend! Twice! Like it was no big deal! She's three and a half months old now, so rolling over from front to back is developmentally right on target. I cheered like she had spontaneously started speaking in French. Being a parent is weird.

4. This weekend we had a baby shower for my brother and sister-in-law, who are expecting a baby girl next month. I managed to finish a sweater for the girlie, and wove in the ends at eleven o'clock the night before the shower. By the time my fat baby goddaughter arrived, I had knitted her a blanket and sweater with a matching dress - and I invented the pattern for the dress because I couldn't one that was just right. Turns out having a kid around makes it sort of hard to get knitting done. Oops.

I forgot to tell you!

Yesterday while we were at court, the baby's mom walked past me toward the bathroom. I looked up at just the right time and realized our missing pacifier on its clip was attached to the mom's belt loop.

The story I'm going with is that it ended up in the dad's diaper bag, and that the mom found it later. She's wearing it on her belt because she misses the baby and wants to be reminded of her. And she hasn't given it back because we went out and bought another clip before the next visit, so she didn't think she needed to.

Because I genuinely cannot stand the idea that she took something - a comfort object, no less - away from her child on purpose for any reason.