Less than no progress

We had court last week. We expected nothing to happen: the first hearing in the termination process is basically the county saying, "hey judge, we plan to proceed with this petition. Everything is filed correctly and all of the necessary parties have been served." Then the judge says, "oh okay, cool. See you in a few weeks."

Well, instead of that, we were adjourned for three weeks. The mom didn't show up, and the dad didn't know he had a new attorney despite having been properly notified (and the new attorney didn't know either, somehow, and hadn't seen any of the paperwork on the case). So we sat in the waiting room from 8:50 until 11:15, and then we spent four minutes in the courtroom setting a new date.

The only positive thing is that the judge didn't want to wait until the next permanency hearing we have scheduled for the end of June, which indicates that he's not feeling patient with the case. He scheduled us for a new date in the middle of June - in the same week that we have Nora's birthday and Andy's birthday and checkups for both girls and my sister coming into town for kids' birthday parties. PERFECT.

Really looking forward to some sort of progress happening before M is a teenager.

Quick court and house updates

1. Court. Nothing changed, really. The dad's new lawyer argued for extending the dad's visits, which the judge approved. So now instead of the very bare minimum (one-hour supervised visits two times a week), he's got one step up (two-hour supervised visits two times a week). The worker is switching the time back to mornings to make it easier on M. They haven't filed the termination paperwork yet and probably won't for another month or so (UGH). M's mom was delighted to see pictures of M and says she's back on track and trying to start visits and wants to really try to get M back. I told her that we are so happy to hear she's doing well and hope she continues to do so, and that if she doesn't feel that it's successful we want her to be part of M's life if she stays with us. I worded it more nicely, though. Oh, and according to the dad he only sees his new baby when the mom's in town, which I'm guessing means that he doesn't see her at all. Why can't he go after that kid instead of M??

2. The seller of our house didn't agree to give us any money for the garage issues but we're buying it anyway. We'll be closing in early September. Which is great, because it's been two and a half weeks with my folks and we're starting to feel that friction that comes with too much time in close proximity - nothing serious, just little annoyances. It's a big relief to me to have a finish line in sight. Also I've been watching a lot of HGTV while I'm nursing or pumping, to get ideas and because I haven't had cable in years and holy shit, there's a lot of garbage on tv.

Oops, forgot I had a blog.

Hello, hello! I forgot I had a blog for a minute there. We've been happily learning how to be a family of four, plus also we sold our house and moved in with my parents. You know. No big deal. Life as usual.

This baby is still awesome and I'm still loving every second with her. She has outgrown her newborn-sized clothes and it amazes me that my body is responsible not just for growing her but also for every single ounce and inch she's gained since birth. That's some primal mammalian shit right there. Breastfeeding is not bad for me, praise Yeezus, except when she decides to eat every hour on the hour all day and then it's RIP, nipples, for a day or two. I'm off work this week and two more weeks and I pretty much want to hold her every minute of those weeks. She's five weeks old and grins delightedly when you talk to her, so you'd be doing the same thing if you were me.

Fun housing thing: back at the beginning of June we put in a low offer on a house that hit pretty much everything on our "YES!" list but that had a few quirks. Well, to be brief, after a lot of back-and-forth where they tried to get us to give them more money and we kept saying "No, really, that's our best offer. You can say no it it, but we don't have more money than that.", they finally got desperate and accepted the offer as it was originally written. WHAT? But then we had the inspection yesterday, and it uncovered some structural issues in the detached garage, plus confirmed that yeah, buying a house that was built in 1850 will mean we'll eventually be putting out money for upgrading shit like plumbing. So we're waiting to see if the seller will give us money for the garage and then deciding if we buy the house with the 100% perfect location and a bunch of weird small-to-large issues, or if we walk away and start the search all over. Because you all know how much I love uncertainty! It's so much fun!

Speaking of uncertainty! We have court for M tomorrow. I'm pretty sure the paperwork for termination of parental rights hasn't been filed yet, so nothing will happen. Just kidding, even if that's been filed, I'm pretty sure nothing will happen tomorrow. I'll be bringing Nora with me to court, so the classy people being served by our county's Family Court will possibly be getting a glimpse of my nipples. So for once maybe I'll be the spectacle in that waiting room, instead of the yokels yelling about felonies or the teenage girl in a tiara and sweatpants and socks but no shoes. (I love the Family Court waiting room a real lot, you guys. No joke.)

M is still dealing with all the changes in her life pretty well. In the space of a month and a half, she got a new sister, moved in with her grandparents, and moved from the baby room to the toddler room at daycare. She is coping so much better than we could have hoped. Slightly more meltdowns than normal, but nothing too crazy. The only thing that has surprised me is that she's decided she is scared of the bathtubs here. We've tried the big whirlpool tub (she loved the one at my sister's), but even with me in there with her it was a no. We also tried the super-fancy light blue tub in the bathroom with the matching light blue toilet, sinks, and wall and floor tiles (thanks, 1960s!) and that was also deemed too scary. So she's been getting a lot of scrubdowns with soapy washcloths while we work on getting more comfortable with the tubs. It makes me sad to see my confident brave girl so scared, but I know it's mostly just a reaction to so much change. Poor sweet kid.

I'll try to update soon with results from court!

Two home visits and a pregnancy update

Happy weekend, dudes! Here's what's been going on with us.

1. On Tuesday we had a home visit with M's worker. She was out of town for court so we talked at length about how things went. She's still very pragmatic about our future with M: the dad, realistically, doesn't have all that much that he needs to do, so she doesn't want us to think that the outcome of court was an indication of how things will go. However, the judge straight-up lectured the dad about how he needs to attend all of his visits, consistently, and then the dad missed BOTH visits this week. Yeah, we know that he still has way more claim to M than we do, but the judge was not happy to hear how inconsistent the dad has been with his visits and then the guy went and missed two in a row.

2. On Thursday we had a visit with M's law guardian, who is a lawyer who is appointed by the county to advocate for the best interests of M. We talked to the law guardian for a while before court and filled her in on the major event that showed a huge lack of parental judgment on that dad's part. Because it was declared unfounded, she hadn't been told about it, but obviously was very glad to have the information. She was due for a visit (she hasn't seen M in about eight months) but of course we chatted about court and all. We feel confident that she'll really be a good advocate for M.

3. The pregnancy is moving along happily: I'm nearing the end of Week 23. I'm still having a really hard time getting enough sleep, which just feels mean. The next coworker who joyfully chirps, "Get used to it! HA HA!" when I say I'm tired is getting punched in the throat. The baby is now moving at predictable times, so I expect to feel her wiggling about half an hour after I eat, especially when I'm sitting at my desk at work, and also sometime between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning, when she gets super active and kicks me in my fucking ribs or bladder for a while. Other than the exhaustion, I've been feeling fine. I'm definitely getting bigger and my balance is shifting, which makes it weird to do stuff like carry M up the stairs. We're starting to talk about hiring a doula, and I'm planning to schedule our tour of the hospital's birthing center for early next month. I'm having a hard time really feeling prepared for the future, because part of the way I do that is to imagine all the various ways it could be. Realistically, one version of our future doesn't have M living with us, but I honestly cannot picture that without feeling like throwing up, so I mostly just avoid it. This afternoon we're heading out to a fancy yarn store about half an hour away to look for lovely yarn so I can start a blanket for NewBaby, so that should be fun.

What's new with y'all? Any questions about either M's case or the pregnancy?

Big day!

First, the biggest deal: My sister and Brian had their baby! Her name is River and she's perfect. She was born around 4:30 in the morning, when I happened to be lying there awake feeling my own new baby kicking and wiggling. My sister is doing well, which is really awesome because the last time she gave birth it did NOT go smoothly - but this new little girl made a nice gentle entrance into the world. I can't wait to meet her.

And second, court! The summary is that nothing changed. The weird part is that this sort of feels like a victory.

M's mom didn't show up, which wasn't unexpected. They adjourned her part of the case for two weeks, to give her another chance to show up. They surprised me by not adjourning the full case, and having the hearing for the dad's side.

There was a different lawyer there for the dad; I don't know if his usual guy couldn't make it (they changed our court date, so our worker couldn't be there either) or if he now has a different lawyer, but this guy actually said the dad's name correctly in the courtroom, so he's definitely more on the ball than the last one. This lawyer asked for increased visits, and suggested to the judge that they have the county inspect the dad's new home and then come back for another hearing in a few weeks to discuss having visits at said home. The judge pretty much shot that down cold. He (the judge) pointed out that the worker could and would increase visits and change location when that was warranted by the dad's involvement, so no, he didn't see a reason to do that.

The lawyer then asked if we could still have another hearing in a few weeks, so the court could hear about the dad's house being inspected by the county. The judge just stared at him for a minute, and said that even if the house is fine and the dad makes all his visits for a few weeks, they're not just going to move the baby in with him in a month. I loved the judge so much right then, you guys.

The lawyer understood that, but still thought maybe we could "evaluate the situation" again in a few weeks or a month. The judge again just stared at him for a minute, then said, "I'm not going to micromanage this case. I don't do that." And then he set our next hearing for JULY. I assume the judge realized that the lawyer was banking on the dad's habit of trying really hard in the few weeks before court to keep the dad moving forward, and the judge wasn't cool with it.

We'll actually be in court before July, because they'll be filing the paperwork to terminate parental rights in April. Apparently when they finish and file the paperwork on the termination of parental rights, it generates a court date or something, but we don't know when that will be until after the paperwork is filed, and we don't know how far behind the county is on writing those. I'm just hoping they don't schedule it for while I'm in labor.

And now, I have a sincere question for you all: Do you like these blow-by-blow recaps, or would you prefer a shorter summary?

I ask because I know I like to read as much detail as I can about how the court stuff works in other jurisdictions, but if most of you just skim this to get the basic gist, I'd happily cut it way down and give you an overview.  

Before-court sort-of-update

So last time I posted I told y'all about the new kid I'm working on, but didn't mention much about M's case. Those of you familiar with the foster care world probably realize that's because there's really very little to report between court dates. We go to court for a permanency hearing on Thursday (what could be more romantic on Valentine's Day than the Family Court waiting room??) but here's what we know as of now.

1. M's dad is moving into/has moved into his new place. He has said since summer that he wanted to be "in and settled" in his new place before filing for custody of M, so this feels like a pretty significant step in my eyes. I know that really, he still has a lot to do before the county would advocate for moving M there, but a lot of it is logistical and so I feel a lot more anxiety about the real possibility of her leaving now that he's achieved this. Of course, the week he moved, he also missed both visits (and tried some sneaky nonsense like showing up seven minutes past the cutoff time for visits, and then telling the worker he'd been there the whole time - dude, you know they have cameras. Why even bother about lying about something that will be disproved in minutes?)

2. Permanency hearings are scheduled every six months and they're basically a chance to review why the kid came into care, why the kid is still in care, what progress has been made, what still needs to be done, and what the goal is for permanency. Two weeks before court, a packet summarizing all of that is mailed to the bio-parents, the foster parents, the attorneys, and the judge. That arrived last Friday, and the first thing on it is a huge paragraph - like half a page - listing all the ways M's mom has failed to make progress on M's case. I got a phone call that afternoon from the worker that she had heard from M's mom right after the packet arrived. M's mom was overwhelmed by seeing this giant list of her failures, is done with the case, and wants to surrender her rights. To me, this is mostly just sad, because I really don't think M's mom sees any possibility of success for herself. Also, even if this actually happens, it doesn't really change anything for our case, since the lack of progress pretty much means she hasn't been an option for custody of M for a long time. We're still listed as the county's "Plan B" so the worker had to get our permission to put in the surrender paperwork that we'd agree to provide a picture and a letter on M's progress every year. I told the worker that she's authorized to agree to visits on our behalf as well, if that's what the mom's attorney counters with. We really do want M's mom to be a part of her life, but we know that has to be the mom's choice.

3. To complicate the possibility of surrender, M's mom told the worker she's not planning to come to court. The only place she can sign the surrender papers is in front of a judge, so she knows if she actually wants to be done with the case she needs to come to court. Also, because she hasn't ever missed court, if she doesn't show up, it's very, very likely that the judge will just adjourn for a week or two, even if the county attorney tells him that she said she wasn't coming. Which means I'll be taking the morning off of work to sit there for hours to be told to come back in a week. The worker says this can happen more than once.

4. Even if the mom shows up and goes through with the surrender, it's unlikely that anything will change with M's placement, at least immediately. The dad's new place is progress, sure, but he still needs to be able to prove that he can do all of the parenting of his two other kids without the help of his mom, whose house he's moving out of. It's possible? likely? that the judge will want him to have more or longer visits, but that's not definite, since he is still only attending about half of the visits. But naturally, all of this is conjecture and there's no way to know what the judge will decide.

5. M is even more awesome as she gets older. Her top two front teeth have broken through and I am a little freaked out about how big she looks on the daily. She's a delightful, funny kid and has finally learned that "more" applies to more than food, so her new favorite thing is to ask for more tickling. We've pretty much always had her nap in the living room (we used to hold her, then about four or five months ago we started putting her down in her playpen), and she usually takes about an hour to finally settle down and go to sleep. On a whim today, Andy put her down to nap in her crib, and she was out in five minutes. This kid amazes me.

Court

Yesterday we had court, and the very brief summary is that nothing has changed.

The longer version goes like this: Last time we had court they set yesterday as the date for two custody hearings, one for our girl and one for her four-year-old brother. There was some back-and-forth with the brother's case, and since the parties can't all agree on what the outcome should be, the judge set a custody trial for the brother for early September. Then we turned to our baby's case: same outcome - the parties don't agree, so we go to custody trial in early September.

The grandma has filed for custody. The mom supports placement of the baby with the grandma. The dad supports temporary placement of the baby with the grandma, so, in his lawyer's words, she's with family instead of with strangers (i.e., us, the people who have raised her), and eventually the dad plans to get custody himself, even though he hasn't filed for custody in the last six months and he's not even a respondent on the case. The county doesn't support the baby going to the grandma, and even if the dad's home is ready for a baby (as his lawyer asserts) the county still has some other stuff they want him to do. Since there's no agreement, we go to trial, where the judge will hear all the parties' sides regarding our baby.

I spoke with the county attorney after the hearing and she said that as far as the county's concerned the baby will be with us for a while yet. They'll still give everyone every opportunity to do what they need to do to get this baby back, but even if the dad does every single thing he can in the next month, they won't just hand the baby over at the next court date. Speaking of which: he could have had visits both yesterday and today, but didn't call to confirm. So that's fun.

The most interesting moment came after the hearing. I have a terrible cold, and I had to blow my nose a few times during the hearing because the cold medicine I can take didn't do shit. As we were all getting up to leave, the baby's dad came over to see if I was okay, because he thought I was crying. Now, I know this dude to be a manipulative guy. I know that he is a charmer to get people to trust him. I just can't figure out what he was trying to gain there. I was so taken aback that I actually laughed out loud - and then I remembered that I want to be involved in this baby's life even if she ends up with him, so it's in my best interest to have him think I like and trust him, so I said, very politely, that no, I had a cold, but that it was very sweet of him to ask.

So we get at least another month with this awesome baby, and have just as much of a guess as to where she'll end up as we did the day she arrived.

Oh, hello there.

How y'all living?

I feel like our lives have been very full lately. We've had plans every weekend for about a month, with no signs of slowing down. There are always one million things to be doing. I feel like I'm forever loading and unloading the dishwasher, but there's also lots of awesome things that we've been up to. I keep realizing, over and over, that this is the baby's first summer, so we've been making time for things like laying on a blanket in the grass and looking at things. We're going to put up her swing in one of the trees in our backyard, which will be very awesome.

The baby is six months old now. Remember back in February when we thought she was leaving? Had her all packed up and everything. Right now, she's not any closer to leaving, but she's also not any closer to staying. It's difficult living constantly in a state of not knowing. It's also weird to be making decisions about caring for the baby - for the very large majority of the time, we treat her as if she were our own, so that means things like me wearing her in a sling instead of pushing her in a stroller, and baby-led solids instead of purees (because I have discovered that I am in fact a weirdo hippie). I wonder how her mom would react to seeing how we're raising her kid. I suppose we'll find out if visits resume any time soon; it's not like the mom has been shy about telling us her concerns!

We have Part Two of court tomorrow, at which the baby's mom is expected to consent to the allegations of neglect. This doesn't change anything about our case; it just means that the mom won't have to go to trial and that the case plan (which has been written for about four months) becomes court-ordered. If she doesn't start complying with the case plan, they'll have grounds (in about a year) to terminate her rights. I'm planning to go to court, because I like the mom and the grandma to see me and know I'm invested.

Do you dudes have any questions about the process or the case? I'll answer if I can.

Court is irritating.

So today was supposed to be our pretrial conference, wherein the court would hear the evidence the county has about the neglect of our baby.

Instead, what happened was this:

1. The baby's mom told the social worker she was ready to consent to the accusations of neglect. [This is an eventual expected outcome anyway but would just speed up the process - and it's a total shift from where the mom was last time at court.]

2. The mom's smarmy, sleazy, scumbag lawyer showed up and took her aside for some whispering.

3. The mom's lawyer, dad's lawyer (who was there without the dad, who didn't show), the baby's brother's dad's lawyer, and the county attorney got called into the courtroom for a while.

4. The rest of us got to go into the courtroom, where they discussed, in total, the visitation issues the brother's dad and the grandma are having. The only mention of our baby was in regards to the skin condition shit, which is still somehow an issue. Oh, and the baby's law guardian spoke up and said that if the judge was going to allow the brother to have visits with his dad before his dad was treated (as a precautionary measure), she was going to ask the court that the sibling visits be stopped, because there is significant concern about exposing a child this young to the poison so many times, and because this baby also has eczema there's additional concern about it getting into her bloodstream. So that part was nice.

5. THE JUDGE ADJOURNED, ABRUPTLY.

6. I sat there going, "What? Wait, what? What just happened? Where are we going?" I talked to the worker later in the day and she told me that the mom's sleazeball lawyer talked the judge into setting ANOTHER hearing date, next Wednesday, and the mom will probably consent then. Likely reason: scumbag lawyer gets paid for a full day every time he makes a court appearance.

So I took half a day off of work to hear them barely even mention the case we were there to hear. Andy had to park ten blocks away and walk to the courthouse in a downpour and arrived just as the judge was adjourning, so all around we feel really fucking awesome about our court experience today.

Next Wednesday will be interesting - the baby has her six-month checkup that morning and now we have court in the afternoon, so there's another personal day down the tube. Cool.

To end on a positive note: we got a quart of perfect fresh strawberries in our CSA share today and it's lovely watching the rain, which is what I'm going to go do.

Home visit

So Sunday my niece was born, Monday we had court and I started a new position at work, Tuesday I had a WIC appointment (always THE WORST), and yesterday we had a home visit with the baby's worker and also we brought dinner to my bro and his wife and the new baby twenty minutes away. Oh, and tonight we have dinner with my parents. Because of course we do. I am so, so glad that tomorrow is Friday.

So the home visits are scheduled for half an hour and are basically for the worker to confirm that the child is alive and the home is still standing. The old worker would stop in, say hello, ask if we had any questions, answer them if I did, usually check the baby's sleeping area, and then bounce. Yesterday the worker was here for an hour and a half.

This worker is pretty great. She answers all of my million questions and is way more forthcoming about information that might not be considered crucial for our case - like she'll share pieces of history about the brother's case or tell us about the dad's other kids' mom's situation - in a way that our first worker didn't. She also is really good at answering my questions about the process, so that's helpful in me seeing what possibilities are ahead of us.

She confirmed for me yesterday that there is very, very little chance that the baby will go anywhere between now and the scheduled court case in July. For her to go anywhere, the grandma's lawyer would have to petition the court to place the baby with the grandma, and I think there would have to be a hearing. The worker also reassured me that the county still wouldn't support that, even if her lawyer did petition the court (which is itself incredibly unlikely - it's just that I asked the worker exactly what would have to happen for her to go somewhere before July). The worker also told me that sometime in the next few months she'll talk to the mom about surrendering her rights. That isn't a likely outcome, but the worker says that the mom is doing very little to show any progress and might be persuaded to stop dragging it out. I asked what that would mean about the grandma wanting custody, and the worker said that if the mom voluntarily surrenders her rights, that removes the grandma from the equation. I did confirm that the dad would have to surrender his rights too (he's the adjudicated father, which means he has attested in court that he is her dad) and he might fight it because he's a pretty proud dude (and also because it gives him some power over the mom).

This is by far the longest we will have gone without a court date, which is really cool. We know we'll have the baby for my first niece's first birthday party. I can buy even more summery outfits for her. (Also, and this isn't a minor thing, I am going two months before my next WIC appointment instead of the every-month bullshit I had to do until now.) It is nice to think about our time together as a family doubling by July!

Do you guys have any questions about any of this shit, like the process or how it all works or anything? I'll answer if I can!

Two big days

So I started a new position at work today. I haven't even really freaked out about it. Much.

I think it will be a good move. I'm still editing, but what I'm working on and the process is pretty different now. It's a much more complicated and involved job, which I think I'll like. And the trainer and the boss for the new department seem a lot more in line with my communication style than my old boss, who basically just presented numbers and let you draw your own conclusions.

I also had two secret weapons to keep me from bugging about work today:

1. My brother and his wife had their daughter yesterday morning! She is perfect and chubby and squeaks like a mouse in her sleep. She was not expected for another week but my sister-in-law had an easy labor (SHE SLEPT THROUGH CENTIMETERS FOUR THROUGH TEN) and both the baby and the mama are doing wonderfully. In fact, Andy and I brought them Mexican food for dinner last night! We are so excited to finally have her around.

2. We had court today! The baby's mom is still contesting the allegations that brought the baby into care, so they set a pretrial conference and then the actual trial date today. So it's looking like we'll have the baby at least through June 12 (the date of the pretrial conference, at which they will give the mom yet another chance to consent to the allegations) and we'll likely have her through July 9, the first date scheduled for the trial. We also learned something from the worker this week that makes it sound like the grandma thinks that if she doesn't have physical custody of the child then she'll be out of her life completely, so we asked the worker to have a conversation with the grandma to the effect that if the baby stays with us (whether by county order or by the grandma realizing that it's too much for her to take an infant on top of everything in her own life) that we would like the baby's family to still be in her life - particularly the grandma, who is the most stable of the adults involved, and the baby's brother who is in the grandma's care. We brought a few pictures today for both the mom and the grandma (doubles, so they didn't have to share) and they were both very grateful. So it's super awesome that we'll have this baby at least another two months, but we know the longer we keep her the harder it will be if the judge orders her elsewhere.

She's snoozing in my arms right now, and I'm so happy to be holding her.

Andy and I are planning to celebrate my new position, our new niece, and the continued presence of our precious baby girl with some steaks on the grill and the the first Pimm's Cup of the season!

More from court

We had another court hearing yesterday, at which I learned the following (notes on these things appear in parentheses):
- The baby's mom has started evaluation for the classes she needs to take (after only seven weeks of stalling)
- The baby's dad has painted the baby's room and, per his lawyer, purchased "some" of the necessary items for having a baby reside with him (the worker told me today that the issues with his housing do not include anything about paint colors or what stuff he has)
- The grandma has taken herself and the baby's brother to the doctor for evaluation and they were both cleared from the gross skin thing. However, the county pediatrician wants them to be treated preventatively, and the grandma has agreed.
- Neither parent has been treated yet (WHAT THE HELL). The dad made a doctor's appointment for some time next week. The mom told me she's trying to find a doctor, but told the worker in my hearing that her doctor had recently told her [xx] about an unrelated issue, so that's cute.
- We are adjourned for another month to see how things progress.

If the baby goes back to her family, which is still very much the goal, we would prefer that it happen soon. Obviously we adore this child, but we really do think that families belong together whenever possible, so it would be cool if any of these adults could get their shit together before this baby forgets who they are.

The parents aren't currently having visits. Neither of them have seen her since last Tuesday. They can't see her until they are both treated, and it's really important for her to see them regularly if she's going to be living with them. Ugh.

My sister and I were texting today, and she said something along the lines of, "I know you went into this knowing that parts of this would be hard, but did you know dealing with all the nonsense would suck so much?" And I had to tell her that really, aside from the gross skin thing, this isn't that bad. The parents aren't openly hostile- in fact, the grandma thanked me for taking such good care of the baby and said they were glad she was somewhere that she was clearly cared about, and the dad even took a break from talking about himself to tell me thanks for getting to the bottom of the medical stuff. They attend all their court dates and, let's say, 85% of their visits. They don't show up to visits high or drunk. The baby came to us because of neglect, not because of outright abuse. They haven't been coming to doctors' appointments, but then they aren't required to, so that can't really be held against them. We did go into this expecting everything to take a million times longer than a reasonable person would expect, and that has been the case, but really, as it goes, things could go a lot worse.

Do you have more questions? What do you want to know about this shit?

Three more weeks.

At court this morning, the judge ordered that the baby stay in foster care at least until the next court date, which is set for March 8. There is concern that the baby's mom, who is supposed to only have supervised visits at the visitation center with both children, is frequently at the grandma's house, where the baby's three-year-old brother is. I also learned today that the three-year-old brother's dad (not the same dad as the baby's) is filing to get custody from the grandma, which is an interesting complication. The other official reason for adjourning for three more weeks is so that the mom can get signed up for the things she's supposed to be doing to get the baby back, because apparently a month isn't enough time for her to have done that yet. (Her lawyer did tell the judge that she called about one set of classes THIS MORNING. She must have done it from the court waiting room, because we were there at 9. Naturally, there was some reason about why she couldn't get into the classes.)

The baby's dad's lawyer was there with the dad and said that his client would accept custody, but the CPS investigator on the case told me afterwards that they have some issues that would need to be taken care of before that happens, and from what I can tell about dad he may or may not be willing to do any work at all here. I get the impression that custody of his five-year-old son sort of fell into his lap, so I don't know if he'll do much to work it out that this baby come to him.

The judge today reiterated to the baby's mom and grandma that there is a court order instructing the mom to stay away from the grandma's residence, and that the grandma is not to allow her to be at the residence for any reason. After court, the mom told the CPS investigator in front of me that it's her mom, she's not going to stay away from her, and that the order is bullshit, and then stormed away. The grandma then told the CPS investigator that she doesn't invite the mom over, she just shows up, and what is she supposed to do, kick her out? The investigator said, very patiently, "That's exactly what you're supposed to do. You've agreed under penalty of law to protect your grandson and to keep him away from his mom for now, so that's what you are required to do." The grandma just sort of stared at her and mumbled something about it's her daughter, what's she supposed to do, she doesn't invite her over.

I feel sad for the mom and grandma, because I really don't think they understand that the grandma might never get this baby and might lose the brother if they don't comply. I think they feel that they should be able to see each other, because they're family, instead of following the order. Like, I don't know if the grandma can understand that by accepting custody of the brother she made the choice between seeing her grandson and seeing her daughter. Ugh.

So in three weeks, we'll go back to court. It's possible by then they'll be looking to place the baby with her dad instead of with the grandma. I am so glad to still have the baby, because I love her a whole lot, but it is going to really suck if this drags out for months and months while we get more attached to her (and her to us) every day.

So! Any questions about court stuff? I'll answer if I can!

Reflections the day before court

Court is scheduled for 9:00 a.m. tomorrow. The pediatrician told me today that the judge we have is known to be reasonable, but we still have no idea if that means there's any likelihood this child will stay with us.

We both feel conflicted about how much we'd love to keep this child. She has grown and learned so much in the five weeks we've had her, and we have fallen so hard for her. On the other hand, we really do believe that children belong with their families of origin if that's practical and safe. This has been hard for people around me to understand, so here's the example I give: if my perfect little goddaughter somehow ended up in foster care in Maryland, I would insist that she belonged with us. Even if her foster parents were the richest family in Baltimore and gave her a pony and had already arranged a French tutor for her seven-month-old self, I would still insist that her rightful place would be with me and Andy. The life her foster family could provide wouldn't be more compelling than blood. (I always start out this hypothetical story with "heaven forbid" or equivalent, to cancel out any bad juju it's sending into the universe.) So our foster baby also deserves to be with family, because that's her rightful place, as long as that family can care for her adequately and keep her safe.

At our visit with the pediatrician this morning we learned that in the last five weeks the baby has gained just over a pound and a half and has grown three-quarters of an inch. She's filling out, and has a little belly now and everything. It's awesome.

I found myself wishing last night that religion had anything to do with our entrance into foster care. I don't feel like we were "called" to do this by a higher being; our reasons were the faces of the specific children I knew who were let down by the system and who needed somewhere safe and were denied it. I am envious of the foster parents who can lean on their faith and feel confident that God has a plan for their foster kid, because I keep returning to the fact that this baby's future is in the hands of a judge who, like, might be having a bad day.

I've already done the majority of the baby's laundry, and I'm going to pack up her clothes and stuff tonight. Then I am going to hold this baby so tight until I fall asleep, and then I'm going to go to court in the morning and see what happens.

Do me a solid and leave me a link to something I can check out while I'm waiting at court tomorrow. It's going to be a long day.