Obligatory holiday post

We had her up late last night, so the baby is still asleep right now, and Andy and I just enjoyed a leisurely piece of breakfast pie together. In a few minutes, I'm going to start working on the next round of pies - pecan, made without corn syrup - and Andy's going to start working on his fancy-pants sweet potatoes. Then we'll head over to my folks' to spend some extra time with my sister and her family. Today is not too shabby, you guys.

This is the traditional time for us to reflect on what we're grateful for, and I have to say, there's a whole lot on my list. My life is pretty spectacular, really. I'll try to keep this somewhat brief and also not too sappy, but here's a sampling of what I'm giving thanks for this year:

• My awesome husband and our wonderful marriage. Honestly, I'm legitimately thrilled that I get to hang out with this guy every day. He does little things all the time to make sure I feel loved and cared about. He has volunteered to take on SO MUCH lately so I can sit on the couch and feel queasy. He never tells me to stop being silly when I worry nonstop. He had a dream last night in which we had our baby, she was a healthy girl, and we had given her a really awesome name.

• Our life as parents. This baby is really awesome, and parenting her has been mostly a lot of fun. She is funny and charming and she likes to snuggle my face with hers, which she doesn't do with anyone else in the world. We call her Baby Girl a lot, and she has started calling herself Baba Gull. She also sometimes calls herself Baba Yaya, where "Yaya" is a hilariously mangled version of part of her name. We are so lucky to get to be her parents, even if it's not forever.

• The people we choose to surround ourselves with. Really, the only drama in our life comes from the foster care system and the baby's bio-family. We have many solid friendships with people who are genuinely awesome and sincere.

• Related to the above post, I'm really grateful for how kind everyone was to us after the miscarriage. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I learned that our friends immediately step up in situations like that. My parents, too, were amazing, and made sure we had food in the house, and took the baby to play and snuggle and hang out so we could just be alone together. The behavior of people close to us in a really shitty time made me okay with telling (some) people about this pregnancy, because I know I will need them again if anything goes wrong.

• This is going to sound weird, but I'm thankful for feeling shitty. I felt totally fine throughout the last pregnancy, so feeling crappy this time makes me feel like things are different. Don't get me wrong, I'm still totally a whiny baby about feeling queasy, but I am supremely grateful that there are indications this time that things are going okay in there. Also, for the first time, Andy and I can feel a bump now. We didn't feel one last time at all, and okay maybe I'm crying a little now.

I can hear the baby starting to wiggle around and it's Pie-Making Time, but I also want to say that I'm thankful for having this platform to work through stuff. I know many of my readers aren't foster parents, so thanks for asking questions and reading even when it's not relevant to your life. I have never had a single trolling comment on here (because I have like 12 readers and you're all awesome) so my little corner of the internet feels like a pretty cool place. I hope you are having a really awesome holiday and that you get breakfast pie as often as you want.

Sometimes foster care is hard.

If you read any other blogs by foster parents, you've probably seen at least a few posts about how visits suck. That, friends, is because visits suck.

The baby's dad is still attending visits, but not with any regularity. The baby cries - screams - for most of the visit, then passes out from exhaustion. The dad didn't come to either visit last week, and today the baby cried so hard she puked all over herself and him. (I can't pretend the "and him" wasn't the tiniest bit satisfying.)

Her dad has been told that it's bad for the baby to see him only sporadically. She has not developed any sort of a relationship with him, because she's still not comfortable with him. The baby sees the worker with us at least once a month, when the worker comes for home visits, so she trusts the worker and tries to cling to her throughout the visits, still sobbing. Hearing all of this kills me. I asked the worker today if there's ever a point when they can ask the judge to change how this is going, on the basis of it being actively damaging for the baby, and the worker said, basically, that she's only ever seen the courts go for no visits in cases of sexual abuse. If the parents want visits, they get them, even if they only bother to show up occasionally. Our next hearing isn't until February, so this will probably continue at least until then, and nothing will happen at that hearing, so it will continue through April, when they can begin the process of filing for termination of parental rights (if things keep going the way they are), but then the judge can give an extension if he's feeling generous and so I can't really foresee a time when my baby girl won't be regularly subjected to hysterical sobbing on her dad's whim.

The evening after a visit the poor kid is all out of sorts. She doesn't want to be put down, but she is super whiny even when we're holding her. She holds on to us like she's scared of being put down. It's heartbreaking. Today is one of the days when being a foster parent is fucking hard.

Subject change! In other non-news, as far as we know things are still going fine with NewBaby. I'm ten weeks pregnant now and still worrying pretty much constantly, which is exhausting. We have an ultrasound scheduled for December 3, which feels like FOREVER far away. I am still totally exhausted - like I'm staying up late to write this and it's only 8:39 right now - and I get waves of nausea, which I find incredibly reassuring since I didn't feel crappy for most of the last pregnancy. I told NewBaby that it is welcome to make me feel as crappy as it wants, even if it means I can't eat a single bite on Thanksgiving, as long as things are going okay in there.

I've got two Tollhouse Cookie Pies in the oven right now, but honest, for the first time in my life I am too tired to stay up for pie. This is crazy. Tollhouse Pie is my very favorite and we're bringing one to Andy's cousin's Third Annual Night-Before-Thanksgiving Pie Party tomorrow, so I made an extra for me.

What's your very favorite Thanksgiving dessert?

Three our-family things and three bio-family things

Our family!

1. Today is a lovely warm fall day, so while Andy does yardwork, the little girl and I are going to have an adventure to get the best apple fritters in the world (shout out to Zarpentine's Farm!) and also to get her some long-sleeved onesies, because girl is growing fast.

2. Before we can do that, the girl needs to take a nap. She has been fighting going to sleep for over an hour at this point. She has the funniest ways to keep herself awake, like sticking one arm in the air and banging the other foot repeatedly. I think while we're out we'll stop at Barnes and Noble to try to find a decent short board book about naps - the baby loves Time For Bed and she actually pulls it out at bedtime if we forget to grab it. Whatever we get, I'll get a copy for daycare too, so we can have the same routine in both places. Any nap-book recommendations?

3. My sister and her family are coming home for Thanksgiving instead of Christmas this year, and I am so excited to see them! For what might be the first time since we all left home, we're having a full dinner at my parents' house with both of my siblings and their families. It's going to be lovely. Andy's making sweet potatoes with pecan-marshmallow streusel topping. We actually still don't know what the plan is with Andy's side, except that neither of his sisters can make it and that both of the houses we might end up invited to have residents who smoke indoors. Urk.

The baby's bio-family!

I talked to the worker for a long while on Wednesday and found out the following things:
1. The baby's grandma told the worker on Monday that she feels like the baby is where she needs to be, and that she (the grandma) is not planning to file for custody again. WHAT. This is the exact opposite of what she's been saying all along, so even if she changes her mind tomorrow (totally possible and even likely), it's a huge step. The grandma thinking the baby is fine where she is doesn't have any legal bearing or any impact on where she'll end up, except that it might mean she won't file for custody at the last minute and drag out the whole process.

2. The baby's mom had been doing really well and had been taking care of herself in a way that made it look likely that she was actually trying to improve her life. Well, turns out she had been working so hard because she thought that she might be pregnant, and now that she knows she isn't, she isn't making such awesome choices. This is sad because dang, her life could be so much better than it is, but it also gives me hope that she chose to be pretty healthy for the benefit of the unborn baby.

3. The baby's dad left me a note a few weeks ago in the notebook we send to visits that he had been approved for a three-bedroom place and would be moving soon. I called the worker to let her know and she called the dad and then called me to report that actually, he had been approved for a one-bedroom place IN OUR TOWN, not in the very small town 45 minutes away he kept saying he was planning to move to. Now, our town isn't tiny (it's actually in our state's top ten by population), but we like the idea of the dad being close by because it feels like maybe it'll be more likely that we'll be able to see our girl if she goes to her dad. Also, per the worker on Wednesday, the dad was planning to move into the one-bedroom to try to get custody of our girl but the worker discouraged that because it would mean leaving his other two kids with his mom indefinitely, which, you know, the county doesn't really think is a great plan. So the process to correct the paperwork to try to get a three-bedroom place is annoyingly slow and complicated, which works out great for us because the dad has said all along that he's not planning to file for custody until after he moves. For the first time, I actually feel like I can plan to have the baby here for her birthday (in mid-December) and Christmas.

The worker also told me that she's planning to start the paperwork process for writing the termination of parental rights after the baby's been with us for a year (in January) because it's a lot of stuff to compile. She is always pretty up-front that the baby's case could still end up with her back with bio-family, but she said that as it stands there would still need to be significant improvement for them to agree the baby should be moved. So, in summation, time keeps ticking on this case and no one is making big strides to get her back.

What is the thing you're most excited about making for Thanksgiving? Or, if you've been following this baby's saga, what do you think of these new developments?

We are doing fine.

Ha, remember when I used to post every day? I like blogging, it's a good way for me to process stuff, but it's just not a main priority anymore. Still love y'all, though.

The baby is doing well except that she has decided that napping at daycare is for suckers, so we're trying to work on some sort of nap routine at home that daycare can implement as well. She fought her nap for an hour and fifteen minutes this morning. Pretty cool. It's hard to commit to a routine on the weekends because it's sort of rare for us to be home for every single one of her naps, so she sometimes naps in her carseat or whatever. But we'll stick to it so maybe she can take more than forty minutes' worth of nap per day.

The pregnancy is progressing well, as far as we can tell. We saw the heartbeat at the ultrasound and I cried like a sissy. The nurse was happy to hear I've been feeling crappy, because that can indicate healthy levels of hormones. I wanted to barf in her office just to show her what's up. I haven't actually been puking, but I often feel like that stage in being drunk where you suddenly realize the last two drinks were probably a mistake - I guess woozy is the best word for it. A little dizzy (FUN), a little nauseated, really tired and thirsty. The tiredness has been pretty overwhelming. I've been going to bed at like 8:30. Andy has been super awesome and taken on lots of things that used to be my responsibility, so I'm very grateful for that.

Daylight savings time is weird. The baby wasn't at all convinced when I tried to explain that she should go back to sleep for another hour. Oh, did I tell you all that she's walking? She is not yet 11 months old. Girl is determined. She also says Mama and Papa well and gets Baby about 75% of the time (25% of the time it sounds like Bobby), and is working hard on "more." 

Hope y'all are doing well, and am eagerly awaiting the second trimester, when I've been told I won't feel quite so dead anymore.

I have developed an eye twitch.

Dudes, I'm pregnant again. Today I'm all of six weeks and one day, which is exactly the age at which the previous pregnancy stopped developing. I've been anxious as hell all day, as you might guess. I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow afternoon to make sure things are going okay. The only people we've told are my sister and brother and parents (we haven't seen Andy's side since we found out) and it's killing me, as an extrovert, to not be able to process this all externally, like I always do. It's also been a very different experience physically so far - I haven't gotten sick, but the other night lying in bed I got the spins, as if I was hammered, and it repeated itself any time I turned my head too fast. On and off all day I feel kind of woozy, like that stage in getting drunk where you suddenly realize you won't be driving anywhere any time soon. Very disorienting.

The baby girl has woken up extra early the last few mornings and laid in bed, happily talking to herself, until one of us comes to get her. This is a problem for me, because she's waking up about 45 minutes before I need to be awake, and I can't fall back asleep with her making noise. I can't just turn off the monitor because she does occasionally actually start crying and need reassurance, so I've also been lying there awake, wishing desperately that I was sleeping. The early wake up, plus the getting up in the night to pee, is probably a big factor in the eye twitch.

We had a home visit today, and the worker brought a trainee (a new worker who was shadowing her) so we didn't get the usual chat with a total review of new developments in the case. We DID find out recently that the baby's dad's new girlfriend is expecting, likely twins, and that the baby's mom might be expecting as well. This baby's getting a whole bunch of new siblings coming along here. Oh, in better news, the baby's mom has been sober for a few weeks, which is better than the worker has seen since getting involved in the baby's brother's case four years ago. So that's a cool positive development. No more news on the whatever-it-is in the dad's case.

The last fun new thing in our life is that we got the dogs groomed and poor Rooster got razor burn on his wiener, and then licked it so much he developed a sore. And when we started applying cream and put him in a Cone of Shame, he discovered that he could still reach his butthole, so he gave himself a sore there too. So my week has included repeated application of cream to my dog's wiener and butthole. I sincerely wish that none of you have had to do the same.

It's 8:21, and I'm going to go take a warm bath and go to bed. It's going to be awesome.

Is it naptime yet?

Today is a day for Getting Things Done.

After some delightful snuggle time in bed with the baby girl, we got up and got busy. So far today, I have:

- Started two quarts of honey infusing with vanilla beans.
- Loaded and ran the dishwasher.
- Made a double batch of whole-wheat pumpkin pancakes and some bacon for breakfast. (The extra pancakes will be quick breakfasts to send to daycare, so that counts as extra productive.)
- Washed, dried, folded, and put away all of the baby's clothes, including the huge bag of new-to-us stuff we got from my sister. It's official: The baby owns more clothes than I do. (This is probably actually not true.)
- Washed and dried the towels and am in the middle of washing a load of undies so I can stop wearing those awful backup laundry-week pairs I found shoved in the back of my drawer.
- Cleaned up the kitchen from breakfast, including unloading the clean dishes and reloading the dishwasher.
- Cut up and cooked a buttercup squash for the baby's lunches this week. (Note to self for next time: Jesus, this was a pain to try to peel, so next time cook it with the skin on and cut that shit off afterwards.)

I'm waiting for the hot water heater to recover from the laundry, then I'm going to hop in the shower. After that, we're meeting my folks and my brother and his wife and daughter at a local pumpkin farm to pick out pumpkins and pet some goats and be autumnal. The baby's wearing her new sweater and it will be perfect. Might even make some spiced cider to bring with us. Damn, today's cool, but it's only 12:30 and I'm already beat!

The worker called me yesterday to tell me two interesting things:
1. The baby's mom has expressed an interest in starting visits again, for the first time since March. The worker is not confident in the mom's ability to treat herself effectively from the disgusting skin condition (her living situation makes it especially challenging right now) so visits won't happen until the worker is satisfied on that count, but she wanted us to be prepared.
2. The worker couldn't give me any details at all, but there is something going on with the dad that might preclude our baby going to him. Like maybe ever. But whatever it is, it's the early stages of being looked into, so it might turn out to be nothing. Oh, you know, because this isn't a huge deal that made me immediately jump to OH MY GOD WE MIGHT ACTUALLY GET TO KEEP HER. Trying really hard to be patient and to not ask the worker questions she's not allowed to answer. I'm still telling myself it's most likely she won't stay with us long-term, because that is easier on my psyche.

I hope your autumn weekends are as delightful as ours!

Hooray, long weekend!

Andy and I are heading out* in the morning to go visit my sister and her husband and my perfect niece! They are in a new house and we get to see it and them and probably the National Zoo all in one jam-packed delightful weekend.

We haven't taken the baby on a car ride this long since she was four months old, so it will be interesting to see how she does. She doesn't nap well at daycare at all and makes up for it by taking mega-naps on the weekend so it's entirely possible that she'll sleep in the car and still sleep at night.

I'm super excited to see my sister and to squeeze my niece and to eat my brother-in-law's homemade pizza and wings. It's going to rock.

Also, totally unexpected and totally awesome: I got a text message out of the blue yesterday from a friend with whom I'd lost touch. We chatted about our respective awesome lives and I asked where he's living now - still on the other side of the country? Answer: Forty minutes from where we'll be this weekend! How awesome is that? So we're going to try to meet up for coffee so we can meet each others' respective babies and do some more catching up.

Any fun for you on this Columbus Day weekend?

*We have a house sitter, duh, so don't try any funny business.