Being a grown-up

I remember being really surprised in college when I realized that there wouldn't be a time when I suddenly became a grown-up.

I'm still surprised by this, actually.

It's amazing to me to look around and think about how every single person is sort of making this whole life thing up as we go along. This has become especially clear since the baby arrived. The county has put me in charge of an actual human being, as if I've got shit really figured out. I wonder about that when I'm doing things like drinking boxed wine that has been in the fridge on my sunporch since Thanksgiving (this is an actual event that has happened in my life this week - I forgot it was there, it still tastes fine [read: it still tastes like Franzia, so whatever] and I wanted wine with dinner).

I don't feel like a grown-up. I still feel like I'm 17, usually. I was a pretty with-it seventeen-year-old, I guess, so that's not as crappy as it sounds. I started college at 17, I worked three part-time jobs, I had a packed social life. When I look back over my life, that's the age I most readily feel matches who I am inside.

Today I hung out with a friend I hadn't seen in a few months. We met at the Barnes and Noble in our local mall, and she wanted to check out t-shirts for a St. Patrick's day party she's going to. At one point, she said, "These are the kinds of nonsense things I worry about. You're responsible for the care and nurturing of a human being. That's crazy."

I don't know. I have a grown-up job, and the job I had before this one was a grown-up job too. I no longer need to work a shitty part-time job to fill in the gaps. I contribute to my 401(k). I live within my means. I own a house. I have two dogs and, like, six houseplants (and I haven't killed a houseplant in about four years). I have a really solid marriage to a person whose company I genuinely enjoy. I have healthy relationships with family and friends. But inside I often still feel like the person who waits just a little past gross to clean the bathroom, or who worries about every single meeting at work, or who picks her nose while driving, or who eats Cocoa Puffs for breakfast, is the real me.

What age do you feel like? Really, please, comment and tell me, because I'm genuinely curious about where other people stand on this one.

Long freaking day.

German secret police spy kit, with really interesting information about the Stasi, via. Sorry for such a depressing connection to a secret disguise hidden in a briefcase.

You guys, I worked ten and a half hours today. We don't get my new car until tomorrow, but we returned the rental, so Andy has been driving me in and picking me up. But he works closer to nine hours a day anyway, and with travel time, I worked over ten. It has never been more clear to me that my job can be boring.

Something I noticed today: I was commenting on a blog, and instead of just "Comment as" and then a drop-down menu for you to select from, it said, "Choose your identity."

I'm so in love with that idea. I know we can all be anonymous and whoever we want to be and all on the internet and everything, but that's not what I am thinking about. Sure, at first I was like, do they think I'm in disguise? Like a spy? Because that's awesome. But then what I started thinking about is this idea that we each, with every single thing we do, are choosing our identity.

So instead of complaining about working a long day at a boring job, I can choose to be psyched to get out early on Friday. Instead of grumbling about how we're supposed to get ten-plus inches of snow in the next 24 hours, I can be excited about having a job that's flexible enough to allow me to work from home if there's a weather emergency. I can choose to be identified by the way I handle not-optimal situations.

Or, another fun part to think about, is to think about the identities we already have. I have always been what you might call an extreme extrovert. I'm the one who talks too much. But I can choose my identity! I can spend more time listening and less time hogging the conversation. I get to invent myself! Isn't that neat?

Is this preachy? It's not intended to be. I am seriously intrigued by the idea of choosing to be who I want to be. I like meeting new people because it's a chance to be someone new. I am just thinking about how I can apply that idea all the time!

What identity would you choose? Do you ever feel like you are a spy?