Being a grown-up

I remember being really surprised in college when I realized that there wouldn't be a time when I suddenly became a grown-up.

I'm still surprised by this, actually.

It's amazing to me to look around and think about how every single person is sort of making this whole life thing up as we go along. This has become especially clear since the baby arrived. The county has put me in charge of an actual human being, as if I've got shit really figured out. I wonder about that when I'm doing things like drinking boxed wine that has been in the fridge on my sunporch since Thanksgiving (this is an actual event that has happened in my life this week - I forgot it was there, it still tastes fine [read: it still tastes like Franzia, so whatever] and I wanted wine with dinner).

I don't feel like a grown-up. I still feel like I'm 17, usually. I was a pretty with-it seventeen-year-old, I guess, so that's not as crappy as it sounds. I started college at 17, I worked three part-time jobs, I had a packed social life. When I look back over my life, that's the age I most readily feel matches who I am inside.

Today I hung out with a friend I hadn't seen in a few months. We met at the Barnes and Noble in our local mall, and she wanted to check out t-shirts for a St. Patrick's day party she's going to. At one point, she said, "These are the kinds of nonsense things I worry about. You're responsible for the care and nurturing of a human being. That's crazy."

I don't know. I have a grown-up job, and the job I had before this one was a grown-up job too. I no longer need to work a shitty part-time job to fill in the gaps. I contribute to my 401(k). I live within my means. I own a house. I have two dogs and, like, six houseplants (and I haven't killed a houseplant in about four years). I have a really solid marriage to a person whose company I genuinely enjoy. I have healthy relationships with family and friends. But inside I often still feel like the person who waits just a little past gross to clean the bathroom, or who worries about every single meeting at work, or who picks her nose while driving, or who eats Cocoa Puffs for breakfast, is the real me.

What age do you feel like? Really, please, comment and tell me, because I'm genuinely curious about where other people stand on this one.

Making new friends as a grown-up is weird

Tomorrow night Andy and I are going to dinner at the home of some new friends. We met them through our foster classes and they were the closest in age to us, and they seemed like decent folks. We noticed them chuckling at the same kinds of things we chuckled at. We learned that the girl (lady? woman? the female half of the couple, anyway) teaches at my old high school, and the dude works at the same company as my brother (no, they don't know each other). We ran into them in a bookstore and got to meet their adorable son, who was busy trying to fit all of his chubby little baby fist into his own mouth.

So we friended each other on the Facebook, and have sort of kept in touch that way. The girl messaged me a week ago to ask me a question about our CSA (they had a share in a different farm last year and it sucked, so they're going with our guys this year!) and suggested doing dinner! Hooray!

We're doing it at their house, so their now-toddling son doesn't get up to any shenanigans. They're making spaghetti and meatballs and we're bringing salad and wine. I really hope it's a fun, relaxing evening with new friends who will someday be old friends.

So, like, do we bring some sort of hostess gift besides the wine? How long are we supposed to hang out after we finish eating? We don't have comfortable routines to fall back on!

On adulthood

This post is not well thought out or organized, and the bullets are in no way in matching formats or anything, because I’ve added to these lists over a few days as things come to me.

Things that make me feel like I’m faking this whole “being a grown-up” thing:

• Listening to Christmas music on Pandora all day. Specifically, reading legislation while listening to the Chipmunks 
• How often I burp 
• How often I go without pants when at home 
• I have a stuffed cow that joins me in bed when Andy doesn’t 
• How incredibly silly Andy and I are when we’re alone together 
• I would rather watch Christmas movies – specifically, Home Alone, Home Alone 2, Elf, The Santa Clause, or Christmas Vacation, in that order – than almost any other movie 
•  The part where I found out today that I wasn’t supposed to be paying into my Health Savings Account all year, as I switched health insurance plans a year ago. Apparently, this is a no-no, and I have no idea how to fix it (yes, I emailed my HR person.)

 Things that make me feel like maybe I really am a grown-up after all: 

• Planning a Thanksgiving menu two weeks ahead of time so I have time for everything 
• I started Christmas shopping over two months ago 
• I pay a mortgage, and have never paid it late 
• Sometimes I remember to make a haircut appointment before I start to look like a homeless Dennis Leary (usually I don’t, though, so maybe this belongs in the other category) 
• Making my next haircut appointment before leaving the salon (I did this for the FIRST TIME EVER yesterday. Hello, not looking like shit for Christmas parties, nice to meet you!) 
• Supporting local businesses and farms and being able to explain why it’s important 
• How much time I spent today talking about fucking health insurance 
•  The part where the state has said I’d be an acceptable parent, and the part where they’re going to give me a kid
• Being able to describe myself as being happily married

 What about you? When do you feel like you’re faking it? When are you all, “Yes! I’m nailing this grown-up biz!”?