We lost the pregnancy.
It sucks about as much as you probably imagine, plus a little extra.
I'll spare you details, but it sucks to be me, mentally and physically, right now. I'm working on being kind to myself and on letting people do things for me (which I'm not terribly good at). I hope to be back in fighting shape soon.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Court
Yesterday we had court, and the very brief summary is that nothing has changed.
The longer version goes like this: Last time we had court they set yesterday as the date for two custody hearings, one for our girl and one for her four-year-old brother. There was some back-and-forth with the brother's case, and since the parties can't all agree on what the outcome should be, the judge set a custody trial for the brother for early September. Then we turned to our baby's case: same outcome - the parties don't agree, so we go to custody trial in early September.
The grandma has filed for custody. The mom supports placement of the baby with the grandma. The dad supports temporary placement of the baby with the grandma, so, in his lawyer's words, she's with family instead of with strangers (i.e., us, the people who have raised her), and eventually the dad plans to get custody himself, even though he hasn't filed for custody in the last six months and he's not even a respondent on the case. The county doesn't support the baby going to the grandma, and even if the dad's home is ready for a baby (as his lawyer asserts) the county still has some other stuff they want him to do. Since there's no agreement, we go to trial, where the judge will hear all the parties' sides regarding our baby.
I spoke with the county attorney after the hearing and she said that as far as the county's concerned the baby will be with us for a while yet. They'll still give everyone every opportunity to do what they need to do to get this baby back, but even if the dad does every single thing he can in the next month, they won't just hand the baby over at the next court date. Speaking of which: he could have had visits both yesterday and today, but didn't call to confirm. So that's fun.
The most interesting moment came after the hearing. I have a terrible cold, and I had to blow my nose a few times during the hearing because the cold medicine I can take didn't do shit. As we were all getting up to leave, the baby's dad came over to see if I was okay, because he thought I was crying. Now, I know this dude to be a manipulative guy. I know that he is a charmer to get people to trust him. I just can't figure out what he was trying to gain there. I was so taken aback that I actually laughed out loud - and then I remembered that I want to be involved in this baby's life even if she ends up with him, so it's in my best interest to have him think I like and trust him, so I said, very politely, that no, I had a cold, but that it was very sweet of him to ask.
So we get at least another month with this awesome baby, and have just as much of a guess as to where she'll end up as we did the day she arrived.
The longer version goes like this: Last time we had court they set yesterday as the date for two custody hearings, one for our girl and one for her four-year-old brother. There was some back-and-forth with the brother's case, and since the parties can't all agree on what the outcome should be, the judge set a custody trial for the brother for early September. Then we turned to our baby's case: same outcome - the parties don't agree, so we go to custody trial in early September.
The grandma has filed for custody. The mom supports placement of the baby with the grandma. The dad supports temporary placement of the baby with the grandma, so, in his lawyer's words, she's with family instead of with strangers (i.e., us, the people who have raised her), and eventually the dad plans to get custody himself, even though he hasn't filed for custody in the last six months and he's not even a respondent on the case. The county doesn't support the baby going to the grandma, and even if the dad's home is ready for a baby (as his lawyer asserts) the county still has some other stuff they want him to do. Since there's no agreement, we go to trial, where the judge will hear all the parties' sides regarding our baby.
I spoke with the county attorney after the hearing and she said that as far as the county's concerned the baby will be with us for a while yet. They'll still give everyone every opportunity to do what they need to do to get this baby back, but even if the dad does every single thing he can in the next month, they won't just hand the baby over at the next court date. Speaking of which: he could have had visits both yesterday and today, but didn't call to confirm. So that's fun.
The most interesting moment came after the hearing. I have a terrible cold, and I had to blow my nose a few times during the hearing because the cold medicine I can take didn't do shit. As we were all getting up to leave, the baby's dad came over to see if I was okay, because he thought I was crying. Now, I know this dude to be a manipulative guy. I know that he is a charmer to get people to trust him. I just can't figure out what he was trying to gain there. I was so taken aback that I actually laughed out loud - and then I remembered that I want to be involved in this baby's life even if she ends up with him, so it's in my best interest to have him think I like and trust him, so I said, very politely, that no, I had a cold, but that it was very sweet of him to ask.
So we get at least another month with this awesome baby, and have just as much of a guess as to where she'll end up as we did the day she arrived.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Visit and WIC and Olympics
On Wednesday, the worker called me and asked if I was sitting down. Naturally, I assumed that something terrible had happened, which was only partly true: The baby's dad had called her to tell her he wanted a visit. He assured her that he had the empty tubes to prove he'd been treated and that he had treated his house and everything.
Complication: I shouldn't use the treatment cream now, because I'm pregnant. So if the baby gets reinfected, we all get reinfected and my unborn baby is at risk. This is not okay. The worker went through the entire checklist with the dad twice, and he solemnly assured her that he had done everything he needed to do. The worker has had it independently confirmed that his house has been at least minimally cleaned, because it looks like he's getting custody of his other two kids, but the worker is required to take his word for it. Ugh. So she had to let the visit happen. Naturally, since the baby hasn't seen him since March, she had no clue who he was and cried so hard she barfed up half of her bottle, so that's fun to hear. Our solution for dealing with reinfection is that Andy has been 100% in charge of the baby's care since Wednesday. This has sucked a little for all of us, because I can't even snuggle my baby, and because I'm pretty sure Andy thinks it's somehow way more work when he does it than when I do it, and because the baby's fussing for me a lot. Cool. If she makes it till tomorrow without any symptoms of a reinfection, we'll say she's okay, but I don't want to take a chance.
Also, this is the second thing the dad's showed up for this month, which is kind of amazing. The worker said he seemed sort of intent on "getting all [his] kids" and is still talking about moving to a very small suburban town. The worker did remind me, however, that since the dad hasn't been around we have no idea how long he's been "planning" this move, and that he could have been talking about this since February, in which case yeah right it's probably not real. I have a really hard time not jumping to conclusions, of course, so I'm worried that this dude who has never raised a baby and who lives with his mom is suddenly going to be living in the middle of nowhere with no support system and his older kids (both of whom I've been told are a handful) and a baby who doesn't know him, and that he'll be too proud to ask for help.
On a positive note: We changed WIC offices and it was like a different world. The people we dealt with were efficient and helpful and made me an appointment two months out instead of in three weeks like the old place always tried to do. They even offered to cancel my standing appointment with the old place. By the time we were done, I had had them switch me in the computer to make their office my main one and have my records transferred. They also told me that our old office managed to lose their own blueprints during their recent remodel, so that was fun.
So now it's Friday and the Olympics start today and I'm totally excited, unironically. I'm planning to watch as much as I can and to knit the whole time. My goal is actually to make a dent in the sweater I started for my mom for Christmas, and to finish the little lovey blanket I'm knitting for my three-month-old niece. We'll see how that goes with a seven-month-old who has recently discovered that she's self-propelled.
Foster parents: how do you deal with visits? Are they rough for you, or are you used to them? Non-foster-parents: Are you geeking out about the Olympics? Any favorites?
Complication: I shouldn't use the treatment cream now, because I'm pregnant. So if the baby gets reinfected, we all get reinfected and my unborn baby is at risk. This is not okay. The worker went through the entire checklist with the dad twice, and he solemnly assured her that he had done everything he needed to do. The worker has had it independently confirmed that his house has been at least minimally cleaned, because it looks like he's getting custody of his other two kids, but the worker is required to take his word for it. Ugh. So she had to let the visit happen. Naturally, since the baby hasn't seen him since March, she had no clue who he was and cried so hard she barfed up half of her bottle, so that's fun to hear. Our solution for dealing with reinfection is that Andy has been 100% in charge of the baby's care since Wednesday. This has sucked a little for all of us, because I can't even snuggle my baby, and because I'm pretty sure Andy thinks it's somehow way more work when he does it than when I do it, and because the baby's fussing for me a lot. Cool. If she makes it till tomorrow without any symptoms of a reinfection, we'll say she's okay, but I don't want to take a chance.
Also, this is the second thing the dad's showed up for this month, which is kind of amazing. The worker said he seemed sort of intent on "getting all [his] kids" and is still talking about moving to a very small suburban town. The worker did remind me, however, that since the dad hasn't been around we have no idea how long he's been "planning" this move, and that he could have been talking about this since February, in which case yeah right it's probably not real. I have a really hard time not jumping to conclusions, of course, so I'm worried that this dude who has never raised a baby and who lives with his mom is suddenly going to be living in the middle of nowhere with no support system and his older kids (both of whom I've been told are a handful) and a baby who doesn't know him, and that he'll be too proud to ask for help.
On a positive note: We changed WIC offices and it was like a different world. The people we dealt with were efficient and helpful and made me an appointment two months out instead of in three weeks like the old place always tried to do. They even offered to cancel my standing appointment with the old place. By the time we were done, I had had them switch me in the computer to make their office my main one and have my records transferred. They also told me that our old office managed to lose their own blueprints during their recent remodel, so that was fun.
So now it's Friday and the Olympics start today and I'm totally excited, unironically. I'm planning to watch as much as I can and to knit the whole time. My goal is actually to make a dent in the sweater I started for my mom for Christmas, and to finish the little lovey blanket I'm knitting for my three-month-old niece. We'll see how that goes with a seven-month-old who has recently discovered that she's self-propelled.
Foster parents: how do you deal with visits? Are they rough for you, or are you used to them? Non-foster-parents: Are you geeking out about the Olympics? Any favorites?
Monday, July 23, 2012
Busy weekend!
We went to my coworker's wedding on Friday night. It was really lovely - it was actually my first gay wedding and I honestly teared up during the vows, happy that my friend and her wife are finally treated like human beings by my state - and I've never seen my coworker so happy. The ceremony itself was sweet. My friend's wife actually giggled with joy at one point! She was just so full of happiness that it just bubbled out of her. The wedding was at a really awesome art gallery that also rents out studio space and there are one million things to look at all the time. We left way early, around 9:30, because it turns out dancing under a spinny flashy light thing made me really dizzy and sort of nauseous.
Then on Saturday we had another wedding to attend! This one was for one of my good friends from high school, and we got to sit with a crowd of our other friends from high school (Andy and I didn't attend the same school, actually, but his band played with my friends' bands so he got to know my friends pretty well). It was very awesome to catch up with all of them and everything about the evening was lovely. I had managed to squeeze in a nap so we stayed out till all of 11:30! Pretty wild.
Two of my good friends happen to be in town from their respective cities - Boston and New York - so yesterday we had breakfast with one of them and dinner with the other. We had a great time hanging out and eating delicious stuff.
So now, I'm beat! The baby has recently discovered her ability to scooch, which she is doing enthusiastically, so it's taking even more of my energy to keep her entertained and safe. Looks like this is the week our house will finally get babyproofed!
How was your weekend, internet?
Then on Saturday we had another wedding to attend! This one was for one of my good friends from high school, and we got to sit with a crowd of our other friends from high school (Andy and I didn't attend the same school, actually, but his band played with my friends' bands so he got to know my friends pretty well). It was very awesome to catch up with all of them and everything about the evening was lovely. I had managed to squeeze in a nap so we stayed out till all of 11:30! Pretty wild.
Two of my good friends happen to be in town from their respective cities - Boston and New York - so yesterday we had breakfast with one of them and dinner with the other. We had a great time hanging out and eating delicious stuff.
So now, I'm beat! The baby has recently discovered her ability to scooch, which she is doing enthusiastically, so it's taking even more of my energy to keep her entertained and safe. Looks like this is the week our house will finally get babyproofed!
How was your weekend, internet?
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Oh look, a post!
Dudes, I used to post on this blog five days a week. I seriously wish I was motivated to post more often, but damn, sometimes (most times) other shit seems more important. Even if the other shit is taking ten minutes to stare into space.
We had another home visit today (we have one every month) and the worker reports no changes. At my request, she's sending letters to everyone who's supposed to have visits to tell them they need to confirm the visits the day before instead of the day of, so I can tell the daycare when I drop the baby off instead of interrupting work to have to call them. The worker's pretty accommodating about stuff like that, plus also no one has called to confirm a visit in months so it's not like we're asking a lot.
As always in the summer, we have one million things to do all the time. We have a wedding to attend this Friday and then another on Saturday, which will be cool except that I get tired pretty easily and I'm not drinking (except the champagne toast, because I love champagne and I'm going to pretend I'm European for a few minutes). In other pregnancy news, we've decided to opt out of the first trimester screen, because I worry enough as it is and the tests only catch 80% of the defects they're looking for, so I wouldn't really trust the results on that matter, and also something like 10% of the positives are false anyway, so there's that. We know we wouldn't terminate a pregnancy based on those results, so why bother getting the test?
Our foster daughter is thriving and is enjoying the hell out of solids. In one sitting today she ate a whole banana, two slices of peach in one of those mesh teether things, and four big chunks of watermelon. Then she pounded four ounces of formula.
What's up with you, internet?
We had another home visit today (we have one every month) and the worker reports no changes. At my request, she's sending letters to everyone who's supposed to have visits to tell them they need to confirm the visits the day before instead of the day of, so I can tell the daycare when I drop the baby off instead of interrupting work to have to call them. The worker's pretty accommodating about stuff like that, plus also no one has called to confirm a visit in months so it's not like we're asking a lot.
As always in the summer, we have one million things to do all the time. We have a wedding to attend this Friday and then another on Saturday, which will be cool except that I get tired pretty easily and I'm not drinking (except the champagne toast, because I love champagne and I'm going to pretend I'm European for a few minutes). In other pregnancy news, we've decided to opt out of the first trimester screen, because I worry enough as it is and the tests only catch 80% of the defects they're looking for, so I wouldn't really trust the results on that matter, and also something like 10% of the positives are false anyway, so there's that. We know we wouldn't terminate a pregnancy based on those results, so why bother getting the test?
Our foster daughter is thriving and is enjoying the hell out of solids. In one sitting today she ate a whole banana, two slices of peach in one of those mesh teether things, and four big chunks of watermelon. Then she pounded four ounces of formula.
What's up with you, internet?
Friday, July 13, 2012
Words that need to go away immediately.
- Totes.
- Awesomesauce. (Literally no one has ever sounded cool saying this. No, you didn't. Really.)
- Amazeballs. (See above. This isn't funny or clever. It's just awful and always has been. Stop using it, and stop allowing it to be said in your presence.)
What would you add to the list?
- Awesomesauce. (Literally no one has ever sounded cool saying this. No, you didn't. Really.)
- Amazeballs. (See above. This isn't funny or clever. It's just awful and always has been. Stop using it, and stop allowing it to be said in your presence.)
What would you add to the list?
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Case plan review
So today we had the second case plan review for our foster daughter. This is where, in theory, the social
worker sits down with the parents and goes over the case plan that lists
the goals they need to meet to regain or maintain custody
of their child or children. Last time we had one of these, neither
parent showed up, and today only the dad did and he came 40 minutes
late.
So we got to chat with the worker and
the very nice independent moderator and ask questions and stuff. They
did ask us to confirm, again, that yes, we’d adopt the baby if the parents
surrendered their rights or had them terminated. They went over
the items that the court requires for each parent to complete before
the child could be placed with said parent. They discussed whether any
progress had been made since the last Case Plan Review (no, not really) and what new
updates there were on the case (grandma has
filed for custody of the baby, which neither the county nor the dad support; mom
has missed two appointments for a particular evaluation and the facility
won’t make another for her for six months because of it).
Then the dad showed up and had a long
list of reasons about why he hasn’t seen his daughter since March 27 and
told us all about how busy he is. He says he’s currently planning to
move to a very small town about forty minutes away, to get
away from the drama caused by both of his baby mamas. I’m really hoping that he doesn't mean it, because housing is a big part of the county’s reason
for not returning the baby to him. However, the dad has told me several
things that have never materialized (regarding
visits and his housing situation) so I’m trying hard to see this
through that lens.
He
told the worker that he had missed the baby’s doctor’s appointments and a
court appearance because the baby’s mom had been messing with his mail.
The worker reminded him that she had also left him many voicemails and
that he had been
present when they set the date of the court appearance, but politely
asked if there was a better address to use so she couldn’t mess with it.
He said he’d look into getting a P.O. Box.
The baby was SO EXCITED to see me when I walked into daycare and it made me really happy because I felt the same way.
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