On people being weird.

So I was exposed to three different, totally bizarre things today that I want to share with all of you.

1. Sand-pouring ceremonies. Have you seen this shit? I mean, no offense to you if you're totally into this, but I didn't plan to come away from my wedding with a craft-fair piece of clutter.

Apparently, people actually do this.

We had one of those candle-lighting things at our wedding, which was pretty tacky to me, but we had someone important to us get us a candle for it, and it gave us a chance to have Andy's sister sing a really pretty song while we stood around and people stared at us. I guess the sand-pouring thing is only a little bit crazier than the candle thing, at least symbolically, except that I don't really get what the layers of sand are supposed to represent. At least with the candle thing, there's only one flame that represents the two people.

In a somewhat related bit of crazy, I found out my work-friend's friend almost included a broom-jumping ceremony in their pagan wedding thing which also involved sand-pouring. I seriously think that two white folks performing a slave ritual in honor of some goddesses or something would be pretty offensive. But then, I'm kind of an asshole, so whatever.

2. My friend sent me a link to a knitting pattern for a shawl for a chicken. I'm not kidding. The website on which she found it also features updates on what's happening in the lives of the author's Sims characters. With screenshots. It was riveting. I couldn't stop reading about which Sim refused to take out the trash and which one peed herself because she was having too much fun painting. It is 2011. I can't believe the Sims are still a thing.

3. I got a book out of the library on spinning. I know how to park-and-draft, which is basically where everyone starts with a drop spindle, but I need to know more about, like, what to do when my spindle's getting full and how to ply the singles and stuff. (Does any of this make sense to any of you?) Well, the book I got turned out to be part of an awesome series on self-sufficiency. I think the publishers are trying to help people get ready to live in a post-apocalyptic world. Other titles in the series include: Keeping Chickens; Cheesemaking; Beekeeping; and Preserving. I seriously found myself thinking, "I live in the suburbs so I don't have to do any of that." I know there's a big push for local, sustainable agriculture, but I have no desire to start a farm. I like sleeping too much for that shit.

However, I do think that my fiber skills would be quite helpful in a post-apocalyptic society. I'd trade my yarn and hand-knitted goods for some of your chicken eggs, or whatever. I get it.

1. What do you think of sand-pouring ceremonies? Am I just being an asshole, or are they tacky? 2. Do you still play the Sims? Do you blog about it? 3. What skills do you have that would translate well to a post-apocalyptic world? (Answer one, or all three, or whatever! There are no rules in the Land of Awkward!)

Bonus post: dinner conversation

Me: Did you know that Netflix is trying to do away with the dvd mailers?
Andy: Yup.
Me: Man. It's so interesting to see the progression of that business model.
[pause]
Andy: That's the most grown-up sentence you've ever said.
[pause]
Me: Boogers. Fart, fart, fart, piss.
Andy: I'm comfortable with that.

Things I am good at and also not so good at.

Things I am good at:

• Napping
• Sleeping in general, really
• Reading a lot and being pretty fucking smart
• Watching Bones before Andy gets home from work
• and then imagining that every creak my fifty-year-old house makes is a murderer
• Imagining bizarre worst-case scenarios in my own life (see: creaking floor = murderer)
• but encouraging the crap out of everyone else
• Making delicious, fluffy, melt-in-your-mouth pancakes
• Putting fussy babies to sleep (my secret: talk to them, about nothing, for a long time in a monotone voice. Basically, I bore them to sleep.)

Things I am not so good at:

• Getting going on time in the morning
• Resisting the urge to make sure there's no murderer hiding behind the furnace in my creepy laundry room
• Dancing without looking like I have some sort of degenerative nerve condition 
• Being as forgiving with myself as I am with others
• Being patient (we got on the waiting list for a friend for Rooster, but we won't find out till Saturday if he's ours or not. It's killing me!)
• Listening to modern music without making disgusted faces a lot. Seriously, what is going on in the music world today? Why did The Juliana Theory have to break up? Is emo dead??)
• Pretending to give a shit that it's not cool to like emo in an unironic way. The Get Up Kids and Brand New 4ever, or something.

What are you good at? What aren't you so good at? Share!

On being awesome at weekends

I was complaining to my sister about only having Seasons One, Two, and Five of Bones on DVD (I know, first world problems, right??), so my sister just emailed me her Netflix password so I could stream it through my Wii! She also included the sentence, "Don't tell it to anyone else or I'll kill you." I think pregnancy really agrees with her, hormonally speaking.

We had some friends over last night and ate a Reuben meatloaf, which sounds either weird or just plain gross, depending on your level of adventurousness, but HOLY CRAP IT WAS SO GOOD. I typically hate sauerkraut, but in this it just adds a new level of flavor without being gross and vinegary. Do yourself a favor and try it out. Note that the recipe is only two servings, so you'll want to double it at least, even if you're the only one eating it.

Today we're starting the search for a new dog-friend for our mutt, Rooster. He's awesome, but he's so happy when he has another dog to hang out with. We also are kind of busy people, and we feel like jerks when we have to leave him home by himself. We're starting at the city pound, which is where we found Rooster, before expanding our search. Wish us luck!

What awesome things are you up to this weekend?

On being twelve inside

Image depicting how I felt today via

Any time I get feedback from a boss that is less than perfectly positive, I feel like a twelve-year-old who's getting in trouble. Today my boss told me (in a regular one-on-one meeting) that my numbers are totally awesome, but that they're that great at the expense of my accuracy. The people who work on my jobs after me had noted some occasional problems, so my boss wanted to bring it to my attention so I can try to balance the numbers with the accuracy and still be awesome.

My first thought was immediately to start listing mistakes being made by other people that I've noticed. Because I get super-defensive and want to remind her that other people make more slash other mistakes than I do. Then I thought about pointing out that the mistakes she pointed out were weird, or justifiable for this or that reason, or invalid, or something. Because I don't want her to think I'm an idiot. Then I wanted to demand to see figures on other numbers of mistakes made by my coworkers, so I could see where I stand.

Of course, because my inner twelve-year-old is a sissy bitch, I nodded a lot, took notes on the feedback, asked clarifying questions, and promised to slow down a little to try to get things back into shape. Then I spent the day feeling like I had gotten a D on an important test and I was going to have to stay after for detention or something - that awful knot in my stomach and triple-checking everything I did. Ugh.

The best part is, if I were to ask my boss how bad this stuff was, with 1 being "it's totally benign," and 10 being "firing is imminent," it would probably be about a 3.

Thank GOD I'm having awesome people over for delicious dinner and then raucous board game action tonight!

Do you overreact to negative feedback too? Please tell me I'm not the only one!

Three quick things.

1. I am hosting my knitting club tonight. Actually, we're spinning tonight, which is even more cool and not at all a weird thing for twenty-somethings to be doing. I've spent the last hour getting the house into passable shape. But they'll be here in a little bit and I still have to figure out how to make something appetizing out of half a loaf of stale Italian bread and the contents of my fridge, and I have two huge laundry baskets full of clean underwear sitting in the living room. I might just stick the laundry in the bedroom, which will mean we will root through the baskets every morning until we're out of clean stuff again.

2. Speaking of clean underwear: I bleached a load of whites last week. Today I'm wearing a pair of undies from that load. Got to work this morning, went to the bathroom, sat down to pee, and went, "Who the fuck has been swimming?"

3. I am so mad that Dove stopped making the face lotion I was using. Apparently they don't make any face shit anymore, and I'm having a hard time finding something that works. I have dry/combination/sensitive skin, and basically all the shit that's out there is for fucking oily pizza-faced motherfuckers, apparently, because I've tried like three lotions (which aren't cheap!) and each time I ended up all desert-y, which my face compensates for by pumping out oil like whoa. Do any of you have dry skin? For the love of god, tell me what you use, because this Oil of Olay Complete All Day Moisturizer is full of shit. And I don't care about anti-aging or firming or highlighting or what-the-hell-ever else, I just want some goddamn lotion that doesn't cost $37 an ounce. How the hell does everyone else know what to use on their skin?

How do you clean your house in a hurry? Do you have dry skin? Please share your product reviews, so I can learn from you and be a better person or something.

TV shows from my childhood

Totally awesome image via

...that I would like to rewatch to see if they're as awesome as I remember. In no particular order.

• Dinosaurs
• The Secret World of Alex Mack (My husband insists that he - and all other pre-teen boys - mostly watched this show in case Alex showed up somewhere without her clothes.)
• Marsupalami (No one else remembers this show!)
• Eek! The Cat (Oooh, Wikipedia says this show was Canadian. I was a cultured nine-year-old. But why did his name have an exclamation point?)
• Land of the Lost (the 90s remake)
• Clarissa Explains It All
• Blossom (I had an amazing denim bucket hat with a pink plastic flower that I wore ALL THE TIME.)
• Eureeka's Castle (Why was it spelled like that?? And I just learned that Bog - of Bog and Quagmire - was spelled Bogge. Ugh. Wait. It was created by R.L. Stine. What??)
• David the Gnome (My dumb three-year-old self didn't even notice that this show was dubbed.)
• Gummi Bears (What? You didn't watch a tv show based on candy you didn't even like?)
• Rescue Rangers
• Darkwing Duck (Any time anyone says, "When you're in trouble," my brain adds "you call D.W." I'm not proud of this.)
• Tiny Toon Adventures
• 3rd Rock From The Sun (Apparently the numeral is part of the title.)

Yes, I did have incredible taste as a child and pre-teen. And yes, it would have made more sense to try to find clips of these shows online to link to (instead of the Wikipedia articles), BUT I seriously don't want to watch them and have my rosy memories of them dashed.

What childhood shows are you afraid to tarnish with a re-watch?